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January 8, 2008

Confrontational Compassion

by by Ronna Miller

Donald P. McNeill in Compassion: A Reflection on the Christian Life offers a profound perspective: "Honest, direct confrontation is a true expression of compassion... The illusion of power must be unmasked, idolatry must be undone, oppression and exploitation must be fought, and all who participate in these evils must be confronted. This is compassion." Not quite the way we usually define the word, is it? But so very compelling.

As a woman in leadership I am almost daily aware of and impacted by the realities of power, idolatry, oppression and exploitation. Unfortunately, more times than not, when I'm confronted by such darkness, compassion (at least as I've understood it previously) has not been my intuitive, spontaneous response.

What if it were, but as defined anew by McNeill?

Easier said than done. How can I know that the choice to confront - particularly in the often intimidating realms of power and exploitation - comes from a place of compassion versus contempt? Is there a way in which I might learn to discern and then, in fact, offer compassion by speaking the truth (out loud!) instead of nursing anger and resentment and/or just remaining silent? I think the key might be determined, at least in part, as I consider the larger ramifications and impact of my honesty, my confrontation, my compassion - not just how it will affect me.

The biblical narrative that comes to mind is that of Abigail - a woman who riskily, compassionately, and yes, confrontationally, discerned on behalf of a people and not for herself. The text in 1 Samuel 25 says, "[Abigail] was an intelligent and beautiful woman, but her husband?was surly and mean in his dealings" (3). Not an ideal marriage and eerily familiar to many, I know. Despite such, she spoke honestly, confrontationally really, to King David about her husband: "May my lord pay no attention to that wicked man Nabal. He is just like his name - his name is Fool, and folly goes with him" (25). Honest words that carried tremendous risk - and compassion: "Please forgive your servant's offense?Let no wrongdoing be found in you as long as you live" (28).

As the story proceeds, Abigail's husband, never veered from the paths of power, idolatry, and oppression - despite his entire clan's near destruction by David and his men. Her courageous confrontation of David with the truth about her husband discerningly, even cleverly, called for his compassion. She also confronted her husband, telling him what she had done; the compassion she had displayed on his behalf. His response? "Then in the morning, when Nabal was sober, his wife told him all these things, and his heart failed him and he became like a stone" (37). And God's response? "About 10 days later, the Lord struck Nabal and he died" (38). Abigail lost her husband, her means of welfare, her life as she had known it. Her confrontation, her truthful words, and her compassion bore great consequence and she still boldly told the truth. Abigail made a beautiful, risky, and courageous choice. (Yes, her story goes on, taking a pretty dramatic turn, but even without such, her identity stands strong on its own.)

That's motivating to me. As a woman and a leader, what would it be like for me to follow Abigail's lead - to boldly tell the truth even knowing the consequences, to confront the structures of power, the lure of idolatry, the proliferation of oppression and exploitation, so that compassion might be enabled instead? Again, easier said than done, but who knows? It might just land me in the company of kings (and queens)!

Any compassion you want to express today - confrontationally?

Posted by Caryn Rivadeneira on January 8, 2008 8:29 AM

Comments

Bravo, Ronna. Again, you draw us into Scripture and help us to see God and God's people at work at a much deeper level. David and Nabal have been focus of this story every time I've heard it and read it. Why haven't I paid more attention to Abigail's courage and truth-telling? Her confrontation of power, and as you so brilliantly point out, in a spirit of compassion?

Compassion without truth is impotent. Truth without compassion brings death, not life. We need both.

Another home run, Ronna. Thanks.

Posted By: Sally Morgenthaler | January 9, 2008 8:15 PM

i loved the article and sally's comments, thanks to both! yes, i recently dealty with a situation that i addressed with both compassison and truth... it was not recieved well... but this article helps me to not be overly hard on myself in the situation... we can only do as our Lord shows us, and trust Him with the outcome, no matter the results, that is up to Him... praying for us all as we continue to be challenged in these situtations, that our focus will continually be on our Lord and His compassion, truth an wisdom, and that we will not be distracted in even very tough situations... thanks to anyone who prays for me on this issue...

Posted By: bonnie | January 11, 2008 10:04 AM

It's another one of those principles that sound great, look great on paper but will create major problems if implemented.

Christian/church people are notorious for being thin skinned, offended by trifles, grudge carriers and deep in denial.

Be prepared to be misunderstood and retaliated against.

Posted By: Carmena Fleury | January 11, 2008 4:52 PM

Affirming, encouraging article, as was your latest, Sally.

Posted By: Christine A. Scheller | January 11, 2008 7:59 PM

Hey Ronna,

You've done a great job of illlustrating biblically what is a desperate need int he Body of Christ. So often Christians see their role as to stroke the person with the issue, rather than confront with love. This does not always make the confronter popular, but 'faithful are the wounds of a friend' and if we really love people we will speak into their situation according to the amount of right (as in depth of relationship) we have with them. There does come a time when/if the person will not respond (as Nabal didn't), that we may have to leave a relationship behind because they do not want to change and resent our efforts to help them see the issues. If we keep trying, accusations of control (maybe rightly or wrongly) begin to be bandied around.

I've found that when people are open in relationship for me to speak to their issues (Abigail had the right to speak to Nabal because they were married) I then have to gradually allow their response or lack of response to dictate whether I should keep plugging away or leave them to their own devices between them and God.

The whole thing is connected with mentoring in various levels, and to the degree that we are received is the degree to which they will change. When we see that what we are saying is bringing little change, it's generally time to move on to those who are willing to be teachable.

I really appreciated your article. Well written and full of truth.

Bless you, BEv

Posted By: Bev | January 14, 2008 4:19 AM

Thank you for such kind - and wise - words, Bev. Indeed, it's a challenge for us to speak the truth...espeially when we know (even before the words come out of our mouth) how it will be received. Women especially, I think, struggle with this because we believe wrongly, but inherently, that we are too much; that if we actually said what we knew to be true we'd be destructive, harmful, and dangerous. That's why I love Abigail! She speaks the truth EVEN THOUGH it is, indeed, destructive and dangerous - and harmful to her. Oh, that more and more of us would be so brave, so confrontational, so compassionate!

I ran across a quote the other day I wish I'd had when I wrote this post: "When a woman tells the truth she is creating the possibility for more truth around her." (Adrienne Rich)

This is Abigail in spades! We're in good company when we choose to do the same!

Posted By: Ronna | January 14, 2008 8:31 PM

Thanks Ronna for your article. As a Biblical Counselor, I often have to confront my clients with love and respect for them. I am disturbed by Christians who seem to think that it is a virtue to be nonconfrontational. They look at those who do as if they are just bullies who like to beat up on people. On the contrary, a person who cares about people must always earn the right to speak into the lives of others by investing themselves in the lives of those they would confront.

Posted By: Cheryl Durham | January 24, 2008 11:49 AM

Thank you for this article, I needed it. I recently confronted in love a young female employee who claims to be a Christian. I know that she attends church and her mom is a Minister however, she has had a child outside of marriage earlier in her life that she "learned" from, so she is not living with her now Fiance until they are married (11/08). However, they take overnight trips together away regularly and she tells me about their room. Because we had established a relationship, I told her one morning about God convicting me about living/sleeping with my Fiance, all in the first person and mentioned Rev 22:15. She ended up very upset with me, told my staff and called my boss about it. Now I have had HR talking to my staff and me about it. I thought by telling her with love using my own story she would receive it. However, she thinks I was wrong to "tell her she is going to hell" I didn't say that and told her if she didn't like what the book said that she should discuss it with the Author. This is an area we really need to address with young woman. I was just told not to do it and not why as a Catholic. I gave my life to Christ in my mid 20's and realized the real reason WHY. Thanks again, my new nickname is Abigail :)

Posted By: Kathleen | January 29, 2008 10:07 PM

This is good. I've heard this Abigail story from the "she was not submissive" perspective so often it makes me want to puke. Thanks for emphasizing her courage and commitment to truth.

Posted By: Dianne | February 8, 2008 9:14 AM

You nailed that one Ronna! Especially the part about examining our motives in confronting someone. I've recently had to confront my boss, a president/CEO of a non-profit, about the way he treats people. I am his assistant and often have taken the brunt of this man's prideful indifference and verbal abuse and overall bad manners. But, I'm not the only one. For months I have done my best to NOT take offense, to cover these sins with love, patience and forgiveness. But one particular day, the pull of the spirit was very apparent in my reaction to this evil in my and others' lives. I knew I needed to confront him, also knowing that it would bear no fruit and it would probably mean the end of my employment with this otherwise wonderful company, who although not Christian, does a wonderful work for the community it is in. I took two days to pray and think about this and to truly examine my motives. I found that my motives wavered from compassionate righteousness to indignant self-righteousness and it was necessary to completely submit my own pride to the cross and to confront with the understanding that it wasn't about me. I did and received the expected reaction and am now searching for a new job. I still find that when I let my mind reply the scene I can step right back into my self-righteousness at which point my peace abandons me. I think the only response I can have and further action I can take is to determine to pray for this lost person who does not yet know the love of Christ, and to humbly look my own pride in the face and nail it to the cross. It's just like the Lord to use these kinds of situations to also work out things in our lives. The final irony? Despite his verbally refusing to respect my boundary in his dealings with me and his firing me, his recent attitude towards me has been the most respectful I've seen yet. Looks like Jesus is working after all...

Leslie

Posted By: Leslie STrovas | February 9, 2008 5:32 PM

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