Gifted for Leadership

Comments

Thank you JoHanna for sharing your heart and wisdom in this article. Years ago, shortly after I opened a private practice as a Christian psychologist, my pastor's wife shared something that had a huge impact and stays with me today. She was known for her loving heart and servant spirit. This godly woman pulled me aside and said, "Watch out for the leeches, dear. They grab on and suck you dry. In your work and ministry you will need to learn how to get loose from the leeches." After I quit being shocked at what would have sounded cold coming from anyone else, I realized how wise and true these words were and are. There are needy people out there who do not want the truth or to grow and change. They aren't hungry for God's grace and certainly not for His discipline. They simply want to hang on and drain you of love, compassion, grace, and service. Finding a way to gently but firmly keep the leeches from attaching is a challenge everyone in ministry needs to master. We aren't here to help everyone - even Jesus sent the rich young ruler away sorrowing.
By His Grace,
Lisa

Posted By: Lisa Van Allen, PhD, ACC | May 6, 2008 2:36 PM

Thank you for your post about boundaries. I've had to redefine some of my close relationships in the past year including my marriage. It has blessed my life because people will never tell you when your cup in running over. You have to say "when." I've always took on other people's problems too long. Finally, I realized that every situation does not require my attention. I thought because God had called me to the ministry, I had to rescue all that crossed my path even when they rejected my help. I had to stop trying to be a savior. I thank you because you just gave me confirmation that I did the right thing. God has blessed me to have a husband and a child therefore I am spending more time at home.

Posted By: angela | May 6, 2008 9:27 PM

I am so glad to read about this article on,
Setting Ministry Boundaries. I learn something very significant, that, really help me not to feel guilty by setting limits. You said in this article, " They may talk about God but don’t yearn to know him, they won’t admit their own sin but instead blame everyone else.." This is powerful statements to set me free from those peole who use me and yet, no plans to change. I am so glad that I can be free from guilt and don't fell sinful about "dropping them like a hot potato".

This is great! Thank you.

I want to let you know that this article really help me and don't feel guilty and "sinful" by

Posted By: Eunice | May 8, 2008 3:48 AM

I have been seeking God about just this subject and unfortunately it has to do with a family member. Now, I thank Him for His faithfulness and leading me to this article.
It's funny how we can know the answer but somehow need some form of confirmation. Thanks for sharing and may God continue to bless you in all you do

Posted By: karen | May 8, 2008 10:06 AM

What about the husbans that is in the latter group? I can't just drop him because he does not yearn to know God. Oh, he is full fo questions, but never agrees with my answers. PRAYER, I know.

Posted By: Nichole | May 8, 2008 11:43 AM

I love your advice Johanna. I, too, have found that there are people out there who are determined to not get better because they see the answer to their need is attention, more and more of it, rather than get actual solutions that will make a difference.

I've done my fair share of laying down my life for people who didn't really want Jesus until I realised that if Jesus wasn't enough, what did I have to give that was more than what He could give.

It's like an investment; you don't put money in places where you only lose. It's the same with people, if you keep pouring your life into a black hole, you are a foolish investor. Often leaders get stuck in a messiah complex, where they feel that they are the solution to the person's problem. Actually, only Jesus is the solution and long term dependence on a minister will only incapacitate the person and the minister.

A part of every leader's ministry maturity and development depends on whether they can learn this or not.

Posted By: Bev | May 9, 2008 1:20 PM

the saying goes: how many psychiatrists does it take to change a lightbulb? one... but the lightbulb has to really want to change.

lightbulbs have to want to change. I'm still friends with many a lightbulb, but I know not to conk them on the head. no whack-a-mole.

leave vampires in the dark. they hide from the light and will suck all energy out, only staying hungry for more from the living. like lightbulbs, they have to want to change.

do not play 'shrink' with anyone. this is not your job. (yes, even in the ministry.) it will leave you lifeless, passionless, dry, and weary. unless you have gone through the proper training -- and this IS your [paid] job -- leave the couch at home and let the professionals do the heavy lifting.

the wimmins are more prone to want to help the hurting. that's fine. it's who we are. but remember... the lightbulb has to want to change. and see that (s)he has a problem. sometimes it's a quirk. sometimes someone sees your quirk as a problem that needs to be unscrewed and replaced.

wisdom to know the difference. some call it a discerning spirit.

Posted By: Sara | May 9, 2008 2:14 PM

hi johannah! as always, all that you write is wise and good. and certainly, when a person becomes abusive, that is a big red flag. it is not kind or loving to let someone continue to abuse you. and all the other responders wrote was good as well. it is always good to remember that it is He and not us who changes anyone, and to respect the limits and boundaries our Lord gives each of us.

two things come to mind tho. one is that because Jesus balanced truth with love. people usually walked away from Him, when not really interested in change. i think we women especially need to learn to balance His love with His truth in dealing with people, in His timing and with His leading of course.

the other thing that comes to mind is Luke 5 when peter and others had been fishing all night and caught nothing. Jesus told them "Now go out where it is deeper... " sometimes we are required to go deeper with people. i try to make peter's response mine: "But if You say so, we will try again." in short, i try to make the Lord and what He is telling me in each situation my boundary, and not what others are or not doing.

boundaries in ministry is a great need, and thanks for writing so well on it johannah, and all you other responders as well.

Posted By: bonnie | May 10, 2008 7:53 PM

Well, I can say that although I understand where this article comes from, I would not be here today if my Mentor had taken the same action toward me. Often, those of us who have been angry, self-absorbed and cynical toward God have histories of spiritual abuse connected to the church and it's people; if I had been 'dropped like a hot potato' because I failed to have the right attitude, I may never have found healing. I am all for boundaries--don't get me wrong--but those of us who have been 'stuck' desperately need help from others if we are ever going to be 'unstuck.'

The Mentor who didn't give up on me used boundaries wisely, and had a structure to our encounters. We had a two-hour Bible study every week where we did verse and chapter studies and applied them to my daily life and to my 'issues.' We met for five years. I will always be eternally grateful that someone cared enough to help me when I didn't deserve it--I guess that's what you would call 'evidence of Grace.'

As I get older, I have started to feel like there is something inherently lacking in our churches and ministries when we as Christians have to pay someone to listen to our hurts and heartaches. It seems that we care very little for each other, and that our churches are no longer safe places for us to unburden ourselves and seek refuge. As a person who went through counseling-both secular and Christian--I can say I did not get better until there was someone who took an interest in me, both personally and spiritually, and for that I thank God and the 'spiritual mother' he sent me.

Posted By: marilyn | May 12, 2008 6:59 PM

Thank you, Marilyn, for giving another perspective on this topic. Indeed, some seem to be able to "go the distance" with even deeply wounded people. I guess that's where we all need to know our bounderies (limits - what pushes us over the edge), and as Bonnie mentioned, listen to God's timing and leading.

Posted By: JoHannah Reardon | May 13, 2008 5:17 PM

While I understand what you're saying and I respect you for admitting your personal limitations in dealing with certain people, your overall point is that some people cannot be reached. I don't actually believe that. I believe that yes, some people cannot be reached BY (or through) ME, but they can still be reached. No one, not even a "stuck" person, is beyond being redeemed. Instead of "dropping them like a hot potato," wouldn't it be better to try to connect that person with someone who CAN help them? Isn't it an undeniable act of ego to say, "since I can't reach this person, this person can't be reached"?

I don't know. I appreciate the necessity in drawing boundaries, but I think this goes beyond boundaries and into exculpating us when we don't do our duty to our fellow man, whether in helping him directly or in helping him find someone who can.

God desires the redemption of all -- even "deeply wounded people."

Posted By: Q | May 16, 2008 9:23 AM

This was an excellent article on how women in all areas of life can get stuck in ministering to a person who is stuck. I can agree with some of the most recent postings on this site in that I thank God for the ones who persevered with me when I was clueless and angry with others and God for where I landed in my life.

I think I have discovered that if I empathize while pointing others to God both in word but more importantly by my example they will either change direction by moving toward God or moving away from consuming my time.

I try to walk in the back door to present God's love and desire for them, but there have been times when I have had to be very confrontational. I am wondering if this is a skill that women need to learn more about: loving confrontation.

I have witnessed many women develop ministries around co-dependent relationships they develop with others. They end up burning out on these relationships. I wonder if this "getting stuck with those who want to suck us dry" is an example of women in ministry not possessing proper boundaries and then trying to help other's with their boundaries?

I confess that I am not perfect in how I do minstry with others. I still struggle with my issues with making safe boundaries, but I own that rather than blaming it on other's desire to own my time.

Posted By: Valerie | May 16, 2008 11:00 AM

HI Johanna, thank you so much for your interesting article, and thanks also for all who responded. As for me, I have met many who just want to blame others who try to help them with their attitudes. I have discovered that they are not really yearning to know God, and I have found that some are self-centered, and care less about others. Sadly, they have been members of a church for some years, and when things are not going their way, they walked out of the service, never to return. I will keep on praying for them, keeping in touch with them, and hoping that they will change. Truly, we cannot change anyone, but we can continue to love them and not give up on them. God bless you sis.

Posted By: Abigail Taylor | May 16, 2008 4:09 PM

This is a good article. I used to do the same thing but God taught me to know how to point people to God who has the solution for everything. This is because one can easily suffer form burnout.

Posted By: LIZZIE GACHIE | May 19, 2008 1:41 PM

This is an awesome article! I have been seeking the Lord about this very subject and I believe he led me right to the answer. I am thankful the Lord didn't give up on me and I will continue to trusthim to convict and work in the lives of the people I care about. I realize only God can save not me. I desperately need to set boundaries and find a way to keep the leeches from attaching. Thank you, especially Lisa, for your insight as this has really helped me.

Posted By: Tammy | May 19, 2008 7:18 PM

Setting boundaries is difficult when you are ministering to friends and family especially. I am thankful the Lord brought me to this site in seeking answers. Not only was I thankful for what you have said here JoHannah,I will put in into practice, along with telling the truth in love. I know if I have a problem doing that before dropping someone then I know others do as well. Someone had to reach me though. Many blessings sisters.

Posted By: Melinda | August 20, 2008 11:52 AM

Dear brethrens in Christ,

Greetings in the name of Jesus Christ our lord and our savior in our
life’s and praise to God.

We also thank for your free email which we read in your website.

We are a group of people who are seeking for salvation from God has we are
lacking christian teachings and reviving to the group and community at large for
we are applying for friendship and membership in your ministry.

We are also praying God for you to share the word of God, we also
appeal to you to consider our application, we trust in God that we shall
see you and we shall speak face to face.

We are also praying God to manifest His presence and strength in your
lives, we also invite you through God's faith come and sowing the word of God-
Phil; 4; 21 and Eph; 1; 2 we shall be happy to be numbered with you, we
hope to hear from you soon.

Yours faithfully

Brother Charles Kiari

Posted By: Pastor Charles Kiari | August 9, 2012 6:23 AM

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