Gifted for Leadership

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i ATTENDED A LOCAL CHURCH, AND AS I WAS GETTING INTO MY CAR TO COME HOME A MAN CAME UP TO ME AND HUGGED ME SO HARD, HE GOT AN ERECTION, I HAVE NOT GONE BACK, I DO NOT LIKE HUGS FROM STRANGERS.

Posted By: JUNE BYDAL | September 23, 2008 8:30 AM

She was right she should have held him accountible.1 Timothy 5:19-20 these verses teach us that if there are at least two witnesses to the sin of a shepherd he is to be publicly rebucked so that others will take warning.
Second scripture teaches us that the elderships in the church are made up of a plurality of men not a single man over one church.You think God might have known what he was talking about and that when the church is not structored according to the scripture we not only tell God he did not know what was best but we open the door for this kind of behavior?

Posted By: Terry | September 23, 2008 8:52 AM

I think "holding someone accountable" in these situations is VERY tricky. Where were the "two witnesses?" As Christians, we put our pastor into the role of "Shepherd" and it is very difficult to imagine him as anything else, especially anyone with a "SEXUAL" problem or a marriage problem.

Because of the very structure of church leadership, it can be difficult for there to BE accountability if the intention is to evade it. Men (and women) with these issues are very good at masking their intentions and hiding behind their authority. My guess is they hide from themselves as well.

This article is so helpful, because it reminds me Pastors are HUMAN, and our hearts are prone to idolatry...

Posted By: Deb | September 23, 2008 2:50 PM

Yes, she's right, she should have held him accountable - so why didn't she? Because men who cross sexual boundaries are usually careful to do so surreptitiously so that they can't be called to account. So there will never be 2 witnesses to an abusive incident. And when questioned, church hierarchies normally close ranks and attack the questioner. I can't blame any woman for moving on from such a situation without taking action. It is the perpetrator, not the victim, who is responsible for stopping abuse.

Posted By: Roger | September 23, 2008 4:10 PM

I, too, dislike the practice of hugs. I am uncomfortable with strangers that close to my body. I would like to see church leadership discuss this openly-teaching people to understand caution and respect for people's boundaries.
In terms of sexual misconduct, it often starts with emotional misconduct, becoming too attached to someone else, seeking attention or affirmation from someone other than their spouse. I watched an elder's wife and a senior pastor carry on emotional adultery for about 4 years. He publicly touched her hair in an intimate way that should have waved red flags all over the place. The funny thing is-the women who eventually brought the same things up-ended up leaving -along with 1/2 the church-because there was not a second witness.

Posted By: trisha | September 24, 2008 2:49 PM

Bringing anyone, male or female, to account for sexual "misconduct" in most local Churches is always challenging.

This is so for three reasons.

The first is that very few Churches that I know have firm and well documented guidelines for avoiding sexual misconduct.

Dr. Billy Graham's practice of "never being alone with a female", and "never counselling a female without his wife being present" may seem stringent, but it is an example of a standard with teeth.

The second is that in too many Churches there is no culture of openness and honesty. People hide all the time, particularly from each other, thereby causing matters to fester for too long with obvious disatrous effects.

And third, in most Churches pastors are "lords of the earth", people who can do no wrong, and against whom any allegation is viewed first with suspicion and then hostility.

In the case of Marian, three things are transparently clear, in hindsight.

1) No pastor should visit a female of his congregation (particularly a married member) un-announced, and when she is alone at home. The pastor should first call, make sure she can receive him, and that someone else is at home (apart from the baby).

2)Marian obviously blundered in not confronting the pastor, in a respectful manner, the very first time she felt uneasy. She might not have had to do it a second time. She might also have let it be known in the appropriate forum that she did not approve of the practice and questioned whether the Church did. This might have gone a long way towards helping other female members.

3) There must be someone(s) to whom the pastor is not only responsible but accountable. Wherever this is not so, that local Church is creating a spiritual "monster".

The Christian Church has had ample demonstration of the wise saying that "the best of men are only men at best". Congregations that have ignored this truth have sometimes paid a terrible price.

To summarize, set firm and binding guidelines for male-female private interaction, allow members freedom to be honest and give serious consideration to their concerns. Do these with the understanding that "there is none righteous, no not one".

Posted By: Steve Skeete | September 24, 2008 5:44 PM

I really appreciate the posting by Steve Skeete. I would like to ad a little to it.

Having been a local pastor in the same town for 27 years, I have observed good, bad and ugly versions of these same dynamics.

I have learned that the safeguards mentioned above are essential, and looking at things from the other direction, there is a statistically predictable percentage of women in any church, who will attempt to (at least) precipitate an emotional affair with a pastor. (also teen girls with youth pastors)Any man MUST guard against this; crucify his ego daily ("I die daily."-Paul), and be in accountable relationships with mature and trustworthy men.

The poster who pointed out that truth that biblically correct church polity calls for a plurality of true elders (who are in mutual submission) to shepherd the church in each locaility was absolutely correct, but countercultural. Our church structures often make things worse, not better.

At Hosanna church, though we are small and out in the "sticks", two of us serve as co-pastor elders, and we check in with eadch other often to avoid such traps. I also bring my wife in immediately if I sense anything at all amiss, and I do not counsel or visit women alone.

Dallas (the other pastor) and I also cultivate a strong relationship with the other evangelical pastors in our community (8 small towns). We meet for prayer and sharing on Tuesday mornings. We do not shy away from discussing the hard moral questions and stripping away excuses.

Jesus, as in I Peter 5, is the senior pastor, and we are brother undershepherds who MUST answer to one another and to the Lord.

How I wish that all churches would take this seriously BEFORE more women are victomized.

Posted By: Eric Hanson | September 25, 2008 10:09 AM

We women need to encourage one another to be firmer in dealing with the other sex. We hardly one to talk about sex abuse, but intuitively we know when that handclasp is more than a handclasp.

Posted By: yoorila | September 25, 2008 8:42 PM

I was working as a volunteer Youth Director almost ten years ago. The young ladies I was teaching began to come to me about the pastor aways looking at their breasts. As a female I wasn't comfortable going to him alone to discuss this so I took it to the church board.

After much discussion between the board and the church conference, they decided to let it go and give him the opportunity to resign, which he did about six months later.

I left the church when I saw they weren't going to do anything. I really felt betrayed by my church board and conference.

Posted By: Doris | September 26, 2008 4:08 PM

My pastor, whom I loved as a father figure, made a pass at me. At the time, I was shocked and frightened, but made the decision not to tell anyone as I was his secretary and could see he was going through a very tough time and also, I had no one to tell as it was a controlling church with no covering body. I loved he and his wife very much and felt trapped with what I knew but also felt that he was probably going through some sort of mid life crisis and had forgotten himself in some way. God got me out of there and then I told my husband, but later we learned he had had affairs with at least two of his secretaries. He was a predator, but my sympathies were so overwhelmed that I hadn't realised it at the time. Had it not been that I was faithful to the word of God and my husband, I may have succumbed as at least two others did.

Posted By: Bev | September 26, 2008 5:30 PM

I had a problem with one married pastor in this way. The worst part was that he would put his hand in my lap.

I always brushed his hand off, stood up, said something negative and walked away. When I tried to talk with him about it, he started making fun of me as being a "man-hater."

He admitted he struggled with feelings of lust, and tried to get me to confess to feelings of the same, which I did not do.

So, next, trying to follow the Biblical conflict model, I took one person (my fiance) along with me to talk with him, but to no avail.

The next step was to tell the church, which I was very reluctant to do. I didn't want to undo all the work that he had done in the lives of those people, particularly all those he had baptized.

So, I played games for the next while. First, I always tried to sit as far away from him at meetings as possible. But, he would always find a way to move next to me.

So, next, I quit going to any meetings that he led. (He wasn't the senior pastor.) So, I kept attending the church.

But, he called me and my fiance into a church meeting to give an account for why we hadn't been attending those meetings. We had resigned our leadership roles. He must've been pretty confident that I wouldn't say anything when he did that. As I looked around at all their faces, I realized that he had baptized every one of them, and that I couldn't do that to their faith. So, I couldn't say anything, couldn't defend myself, and in the end, ended up leaving the church, without telling anyone why.

Years later, a friend called out of state because his fiance was saying that this pastor was sexually harrasing her, and that he couldn't believe it. He wanted to know if this pastor really was capable of such a thing. I had to say 'yes,' he is.

And we became aware of one more, before me.

Eventually my husband called one of the elders of that church with our concerns.

Posted By: just one | September 27, 2008 6:53 PM

First of all, we should remember that Pastors, deacons, elders, wealthy members, etc. are all human beings and should be held accountable for their actions, just as we are held accountable.

Men whom God has entrusted with such responsibility should and must be held to a stricter code of behavior allowing nothing, not even the "appearance" of evil to creep into their daily lives.

The Father has said in His word, to whom much is given, much will be required.

As I have been in such a situation in the past, I realize that to bring any accusation against one held in such awe is dangerous! You must be very sure of your own actions and truly trust in the Lord for guidance.

While it is difficult to cast dispersion on one in a position of honor and respect, it is our responsibility as a child of God not to allow such evil behavior to continue.

I suffered the consequences of the shame and resentment of being the one who brought the situation out into the open. My situation was perhaps a little different as my offender only did so when no one else was around or could not hear or see what was happening. As a result, I was chastised for saying anything and resigned my post so as not to cause any further division within the church.

Even now as I look back on the situation it is difficult to believe that it ever happened!

Because no one wanted to believe me, others have been hurt by this behavior. I had done what I knew was right in my heart and according to scripture.

Just remember, the next person assaulted may not be as strong as you are and more harm may come as a result of the continued willful sinning.

Posted By: Luci | September 30, 2008 8:42 AM

Thank you Marian for talking about something that doesn't get discussed in the Church. I left a church some years ago because I was so disturbed by the pastor's attitude to women. There was a pattern of violating people's physical and emotional boundaries (unnecessary hugs and touching, etc.). I remember taking my husband with me for my "exit interview" (my husband had stopped attending this church some months before), and the pastor expressed disappointment that I hadn't attended on my own. I was gobsmacked and couldn't think of a way of saying "this is for your protection as much as it is for mine". Some months after we left, he stepped down as pastor and I hope has sought counselling and healing. I wish it was easier for women in particular to raise concerns about inappropriate behaviour, without fearing that "church authority" will frown upon them.

Posted By: Megan Kemmis | October 1, 2008 3:02 AM

I had noticed a married leader in my church (not my pastor) become a little more attentive to me than usual. At first, I brushed it off as he was being kind and considerate. However, at a gathering he grabbed me playfully when no one saw. I didn't know what to do, we were both playing with children and I thought if I confronted him about it he would dismiss me as reading too much into it. I didn't tell anyone but kept my distance. He is still a leader and still married, but I feel I made a mistake by not bringing it up. It has been a few years now and feel it's too late, but I worry that someone else could have gone through the same thing.

Posted By: Can relate | October 14, 2008 12:39 PM

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