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October 21, 2008

How We Treat the "Missionary Wife"

by by Leanne Dzubinski

"Speak," I said, as I picked up the phone. No, I wasn't talking to the dog or being rude. That's just the way you answer the phone in Spanish. "Is your Lord and Master there?" asked the cultured voice on the other end of the wire. I froze.

I recognized the voice. It belonged to one of the elders of our church. I wondered whether he was serious or joking, but given the openly chauvinistic culture, I figured he could actually mean what he said fairly literally. After quite a few years working in that country, I had come to understand that women are primarily valued for their physical and domestic service to men. Oh, and their looks.

This kind of world view can be one of the biggest aspects of culture shock to an educated, gifted woman serving overseas. Shopping on a daily basis, not having a dryer, learning to speak another language: all these challenges we can meet. But dealing with open, blatant chauvinism from the society and the local church can be really draining.

It is true that we chose to go overseas and serve. And it's true we knew there would be obstacles to ministry. If only the problem stopped there it wouldn't be quite so bad. But for some of us, the problem is compounded by our sending churches. Supporting churches frequently ask my husband for a report about his ministry. Sometimes they ask me about the kids, but almost never do they ask me about ministry. After all, I'm a "missionary wife." (Does that mean I am not a missionary? Is there such a thing as a "missionary husband?") When we are back in the U.S., churches often ask my husband to speak or give a testimony. Not me. I've been prayed for in public by the wrong name, had my husband's name but not mine listed in the bulletin as "today's visiting missionaries," and my husband was once told that "the wife" could say something about the children if she wished. I sometimes struggle with what it means to "work for the Lord, not for men." Does that mean it's all right for a church to publicly recognize my husband's service but not mine? Am I wrong to feel that these are small marks of disrespect, which add up to a feeling of namelessness and voicelessness?

Over the years we have developed a few strategies to help combat my namelessness. If my husband is asked to speak, he'll suggest which part I can do. Or if they suggest I teach the four-year-olds he's learned to say, "That's not really her gift, but she would be glad to speak to an adult class." Sometimes it works, sometimes not. At least we are unified in the effort. As to that church elder, for once I was able to think on my feet and I told him that I was sure God was reigning in heaven as always. At which point he asked if my husband was home.

Do you have a friend serving overseas? Has your church sent a missionary somewhere to serve outside her home culture? I encourage you to send this on to her and see what kind of dialogue might start. While it's true that missionaries need financial and prayer support, sometimes what we most need is someone to know our name.

Posted by Caryn Rivadeneira on October 21, 2008 5:48 PM

Comments

I almost found myself saying, "GREAT post" but I realized that it isn't exactly "great" as much as it is a perspective and reality that needs to be shared and then shared some more. I had a pastor/professor once speak on the issue of women missionaries and the sexism and racism that gets played out in this particular field of ministry, which included bringing up some of the issues you have faced.

In addition, he pointed out that when women are "allowed" to lead a church service, perform baptisms, evangelize or share Christ to people in another country, etc., yet they are not "allowed" to do such things in their own home churches, it is both sexism and racism at it's worst in the church. You have addressed some of the sad-but-true sexism issues he was referring to. Racism becomes an issue because in essence when a church says, "You can't do that here, but you can do it there for those people..." it is as if they are placing a higher value on the people, culture and community of the home church than it is on the people and community that are being reached. Along the lines of "not good enough for us, but good enough for them..." (Of course he said it more clearly and powerfully than I can here.) I just wonder how many church leaders are willing to engage in this conversation and look at it from this perspective. Thank you for sharing your experiences and paying the price you have to serve in God's kingdom, as frustrating and perhaps painful as it might be at times.

Posted By: kim | October 22, 2008 1:12 AM

I am really blessed reading Ed Silvoso's book "Women- God's Secret Weapon". It is a very "enlightening" book for me. He is one of the few men who can grab God's perspectives about the purpose & destiny of women. He has uniquely discuss & explain about many things (of the gender issues) which people rarely see from that certain point of view..

Posted By: Anita | October 23, 2008 2:30 AM

Wow, Leanne. I've wondered about this when missionary couples visit our church. It seems like the wife's job is to just stand up there and smile. I'm sorry you've been hurt by this problem, but I thank you for sharing with us. (And yes, I have friends who are overseas doing missions, and I always talk to my friend - the wife - about their ministry. She does a great job sharing about the work she's doing, the work her husband is doing, and how their family is doing!)

Posted By: Mary | October 23, 2008 8:50 AM

Leanne

Oh Leanne, you are hitting a sore spot. You are not wrong to feel it is disrepectful. But it goes beyond that.

I am a pastor's wife and I can tell you from my own personal experience that the prejudices and gender lies run deep. Most of what I read on women in ministry roles is totally unbiblical, the author taking a text here or there and not looking at the context or the actual wording in the original languages. The deceiver has done a good job of keeping the church in an arena of deception and limited effectiveness.

We are blessed when we are generous with others, treat them with respect, and honor them for their giftedness. I can't help but feel that one reason some churches aren't growing today is because of the way they treat one another, and especially the way they treat their pastor and his wife.

I felt God's calling on my life when I was five years old. I chose ministry. I wanted to be married to someone in ministry. I have more seminary education than my husband, but I have found it easier to get paid to clean the church toilets or type their bulletin than to receive remuneration for the work I do in ministering to the eternal destiny of people's souls.

No other human being is expected to work for nothing. A doctor's wife is not expected to practice medicine. A teacher's wife is not expected to be in the classroom with her husband. But the pastor's wife is expected to be by her husband's side, laboring along with him, and often in whatever capacity the congregation feels is most important regardless of her abilities and gifts.

Financial mistreatment of others was a major reason for incurring the judgment and wrath of God in the Old Testament, yet churches today think nothing of taking advantage of ministry spouses.

In spite of this injustice, I know my devotion and commitment to God will not go unrewarded. I am laying up treasure in heaven because God is generous, and the workman is worthy of their hire. Man may not be faithful, but God is. I am not seeking a job, but seeking to fulfill my calling and allow God to use me to share His love with those I come in contact with.

I too, would like to see more dialogue in this area.

Posted By: Jean | October 24, 2008 12:05 PM

Oh how my heart goes out to you and to every dedicated adventurous fun loving gospel believing wife of a missionary/clergy husband. It is as if I am reading my own story. Thanks for being a sharing observant christ-like woman of God in your respond to the elder who approached you. You have real 'CLASS'.
That response gave me great courage to continue to think on my feet with a godly response when those occasions occur. I have a 20 yr old 2nd generation daughter of a pastor who often observes my responses or the lack thereof to people like him. I continually ask for the right words as an example of class and grace to her. I will forward this article to her.

Posted By: lorraine Coleman | October 24, 2008 1:59 PM

My Mum died (with her husband who was a minister, and the pilot) on the mission field on a plane trip in Irian Jaya or West Papua, to visit missionary wives where she wanted to tell them they were important too.

That was in 1983. It wasn't at all acceptable then. So it is very refreshing to read this article on the Christianity Today website.

Thank you so much. I now have a male person who would show just such prejudices to forward this article on to. :)

Bless you all. Women are people loved by God and His Son, Jesus Christ, too.

Posted By: Jennifer Smith | November 3, 2008 2:07 AM

Look at the Christian Missionary Alliance model. Wives are commissioned missionaries in their own right. (And the children go to boarding school, because the CMA assumes the mother is doing full-time mission work.) Look at the Salvation Army, where a wife's rank is equal (but not higher) to her husband's. Look at the mission work of the American Baptists, where couples are always a team. There are lots of mission boards that have figured this out.

Posted By: Lisa Deeley Smith | November 3, 2008 1:23 PM

Oh Leanne,

You have spoken to my heart! As a pastor's wife and leader of women who is gifted to serve the church, I feel the pain of oversight and dismissal! BUT changes are happening. Change is slow, but if we each articulate the truth in love and our husbands stand with us, I do see more opportunities. I concur with some of the comments that part of the reason for the evangelical church's present condition is due to the exclusion of women. My heart often grieves for this reality, yet I keep praying, keep pressing forward and keep focusing on the final reward!

Posted By: lori | November 5, 2008 6:56 PM

Greetings in Jesus' Name.

Great insights. I am a Ugandan Christian. Thanks for that insight. I will definitely make a point of acknowledging and "picking the hearts/brains" of the missionary spouses when they come - male or female.

Posted By: Elizabeth | November 11, 2008 3:32 AM

Have you heard of Whitby Forum, Synergy Conferences or Carolyn Custis James? These may be of interest to those women in ministry who are called to minister alongside men in a "blessed alliance".

Posted By: Marty Barkey | December 3, 2008 5:13 PM

How blessed I am to read this. My family has recently surrendered our lives to full time missionary work. 11 months ago we responded with a "yes, Lord" and are currently in training to move over seas. We have 3 young children. As I type this, my husband is out with our team (15 of us are training and moving together to minister and plant church's in southeast Asia)-they've been working all day and ended the long day with a prayer service. I sit in a hotel-as I've done all day-waiting for some adult interaction and ministry updates. Our team has just begun our training and ended up having a horrible start....and here I sit. As I found your article I've been talking to God about my role. I have been designed with great gifts and talents and abilities...yet here I sit. I'm told that my ministry starts with our kids...which I get....but my heart is also out in the fields to serve the lost and those in need...yet here I sit. I'm praying for God to show me my role as "missionary wife". What does that mean and what does that look like. We have just begun this journey....thanks for providing a great perspective and resource for other "missionary wives/mom's". Many blessings to you and your family!

Posted By: Beth Clark | January 4, 2010 7:34 PM

Don't worry. You won't be sitting for long. Paul said (paraphrased) Whatsoever state I find myself in I am content. I was a ministers wife for 9 years. Now My husband is pastoring a church. When I first married him, I wanted to work in the front lines as a teacher. But, I ended up working behind the scenes as a food pantry director. When I got comfortable with that, my old pastor closed the pantry. Later on when I became content working behind the scenes typing flyers in the middle of the night and preparing them for the mail, my role changed again. Now, I am a worship leader. I feel so inadequate. But, I learn to be content in whatever state I am in. The seasons will change. Enjoy your state of rest while you can. Observe what others do (like an internship). Now, I pray to God for the wisdom to restrain myself from doing too much, lest I tire out. Thank God my husband doesn't make me do all the things I feel obligated to do because we are short staffed. We typed a list of ministries and in God's time they will be filled. Stay focussed on Christ, or you will loose your salvation.

Posted By: Diane | October 23, 2010 3:16 AM

Proverbs 16:18 'Pride goeth before destruction, and an haughty spirit before a fall.' Please don't forget that ladies. We are sent to serve not collect recognition. We should not need our own ministry, as husband and wife we are one, we are to be their helper, to acknowledge the husband complements the wife as they would not be who the Lord made them without us.Though we may attend to different parts it should be all one ministry.
And it is biblical for us not to speak in the church, do not ignore commandments. Having said that recognize the sum of works we are expected to do, it is endless and above all we are to win others by our conversation (how we act). So complaining that we don't get enough recognition or show time is the flesh pushing through. The warfare you are fighting will only bring contetion into your marriage. II Corinthians10:5 '..Casting down imaginations, and every high thing that exalteth itself against the knowledge of God, and bringing into captivity every thought to the obedience of Christ;..' Please sister do not be discouraged by my words but continue is Jesus, He is the word and He will lift you up.

Posted By: Susan Robichaud | February 27, 2012 2:30 PM

Thank you DIANNE for bringing hard biblical truth to this discussion. Submission brings blessings. Jesus being equal to the Father submitted Himself even unto death on the cross. He didn't walk around looking for recognition. He is our example. Being hidden in Christ is what will reap those eternal rewards! Oh how I wish I had known these things when I was a younger Christian. Check out http://www.ladyofvirtue.blogspot.com/search/label/Interior%20Transformation

Posted By: Rebecca Krebs | March 7, 2013 9:24 AM

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