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November 14, 2008

Finding Safe Women

by by Emily Sutherland

I used to equate "women's ministry" with things like secret pals and salad suppers. Problem is I'm a horrible secret pal because I tend to forget birthdays and anniversaries. And I'm sorry, but I like warm food.

At one particularly memorable Christmas tea, which featured a desert reception, I nervously stuffed an entire chocolate-covered strawberry into my mouth in one bite. Who does that?! The other ladies at my table giggled nervously as strawberry-chocolate juice oozed from my lips.

As a young woman trying to balance a demanding career and a growing family, I'm lucky to find time to shave my legs, much less to carve out three hours to make chit-chat with people who are apparently way better at this "lady" thing than I am. I spent years wishing I could skip the women's events and just go do fun stuff with the men's groups. I just wanted feel safe being myself but the fellowship halls of my past were filled with women who didn't get me.

Then I met Heather. She, too, likes warm food. She, too, would totally stuff a chocolate-covered strawberry into her mouth if given the chance. As our friendship grew, ours became known as the "crazy" table at women's gatherings. I'm not sure if that was meant to be a compliment or not, but we were often joined by other women who seemed to enjoy the opportunity to let their guard down.

Just over two years ago, a brave planning committee seemed to think our friendship would be a good model for other women and they asked us to lead a ladies Bible study.

"Seriously?!" we wondered, "Do they really understand what they're getting into here? We're not even good at being ladies! How will we ever lead them?" But the more we thought about it, the more excited we became about the opportunity to create the atmosphere we had always longed for! Surely we weren't alone in needing authentic friendships and real, honest conversations.

We were asked to submit our Bible study topic to the committee so they could have a description for the Bible Study brochure. All we knew was we wanted women to be able to talk about whatever they are struggling with, knowing they would not be criticized and they would be prayed for. Somehow we managed to come with a paragraph that described what we were thinking, but even putting it in writing seemed, well, vague. We got the occasional comment about it being more of a "social" group - and we just smiled and went ahead with the direction we felt so strongly about taking.

When sign-ups started, women signed up! We thought, Oh shoot! It seemed like a good concept theoretically. Now we were going to actually have to make it work!

To the courageous women who came that first week, we started off by explaining our desire to facilitate meaningful conversations among women and we warned that no topic would be off-limits. Nothing they said would be used against them. We started by inviting the women to tell their stories, ask questions, whatever. We had no further agenda except that we would invite God to guide our conversations and reveal himself to us in the middle of our questions.

It has been more than two years since that first meeting and we have been blown away at how God is using the power of authenticity to bring healing and life-change! You've got to know, we're all very different women with really messy lives, but that's the beautiful thing! We have laughed until we cried - and cried until we laughed. And progress isn't magical or immediate in most cases, but it is happening!

There is an unspoken understanding that we're on sacred ground when a woman trusts the group with another "layer" of her heart. We aren't counselors and we don't claim to have all the answers, but we listen and pray for one another. And what a powerful thing it is to be known and accepted by other women. That's rare, I'm learning.

When we see each other on a Sunday morning, it's not, "Hi, how are you?" "Fine, how are you?" It's "How did the interview go?" or "Did you hear from the adoption agency?" or even, "Did you resist the urge to buy cigarettes?" But none of us will ever have to sit through another Christmas tea wondering, "Am I the only one here with issues?" I think that's the best part.

Posted by Caryn Rivadeneira on November 14, 2008 3:31 PM

Comments

I am not lying, when I started to read this article I swear I thought you were describing my past experience with woman's retreats and gatherings. Yuck! I have always felt not feminine, like something was wrong with me! But, since as of September my husband and I are empty-nesters, I bravely started a womens coffee group for my department at church. I am the Director of Magnification at our church, so I opened it to all my volunteers and I got about 10 who have been committed to 6:30 a.m. coffee twice a month. What a blessing! Honesty abounds and we great each other at church the same way you describe!! Asking about kids, husband and jobs! Cool!! I wish I could hang out with you, you sound amazing! thanks. Lori

www.loribiddle.com

Posted By: Lori Biddle | November 14, 2008 9:34 PM

What a great group you have! I was part of a group of safe women for a few years, but several of them have moved away. I miss having women I can be REAL with!!

Posted By: Mary | November 17, 2008 10:36 AM

I finally found a church with a women's group that did not feel like an extension of summer camp (kitschy crafts required) or some grandma's parlor from hell. Jesus never treated women like minors, but unfortunately that's how most of the evangelical groups I was involved with in the last four decades approached women's ministries. The church I joined is a mainstream denomination. Yes, they believe "Christ has died, Christ has risen, Christ will come again" but unlike many evangelical denominations, they believve that the Christ life actually hones women's skills rather than diminishes them.

Posted By: MLane | November 20, 2008 1:02 PM

I just came back from lunch with a soul sister of mine...a fellow woman who I can be real with and talk about what it means to be a christian. Sometimes we feel kind of boxed in to a category and somehow have to adhere to life in a pre-prescribed christian way, which for many of us means grin and bear it or pretend all is well because, come on, we are loved by God. Yes we realize that, however life is messy sometimes and we need embrace all that we are. When I told my soul sister how meaningful she is to me and how I believe God used her to bring me closer to his love and grace, she wept. "God used me?" "Praise him!" Certainly so, and thank God for who we are...women who can be authentic, struggle, love, laugh, spill sauce down our shirts, and connect in a spiritual way with each other. Keep up your group and your authenticity!!

Posted By: Cheryl Hazek | November 21, 2008 3:21 PM

From a foreigner's perspective, I find women's ministry activities completely daunting. As someone in her 20s, I have nothing in common with women who are more concerned with craft or cakes as a source of evangelism to other women.
Recently our pastor stood up and blasted women in the church for not being more involved in the women's ministry and attending the far away retreat that focused on craft activities. I agree with the author, the men's ministry does sound more entertaining than women's ministry - from my perspective, at least the men are learning how to be closer to Jesus, rather than learning how to nurse their past wounds.

Where are the women's leaders who look for relevance in programs? Why must women's ministry be a one-size fits all program, expecting women in their later generations to have the same interests as women with young children?

Please leaders, let us see something out of the box! Let us newbies come to your meetings without feeling we need to know how to knit before hand (and really don't want to learn anyway!).

Posted By: Lauren | November 21, 2008 3:44 PM

Thanks I want you to pray with me while I work with women here in Germany.It is different and difficult, I need more grace from God to Continue.
Augustina

Posted By: Augustina | November 22, 2008 5:59 AM

Yes, it is a powerful thing to be known and accepted by other women. My "Velveteen Women's " group is a safe place but sometimes it doesn't feel good when we have to confront and clarify some misunderstandings. It is the biblical way to confront and it can make way for a better, deeper connection.

Posted By: Terry Lynn Humphrey | November 22, 2008 12:58 PM

I think it's terrific that groups like this exist. Too many times, women don't get the opportunity to discuss their lives or problems with others without being judged. Having someone to pray with, knowing you aren't alone makes a BIG difference, and taking care of each other and sharing burdens like this can bring people to Christ. It's a wonderful idea,ladies! I hope more churches will form women's groups like this!

Posted By: Michelle | November 26, 2008 12:18 AM

This is a great read! I too have been looking for a sister-circle of friends that can identify with my spritual issues. I am blessed with so many amazing women friends that I trust and feel safe with, but most of them are not committed Christians. The few Christian friends I do have that are my age aren't really close and when I try to 'get deep' with them on issues of faith or controversial topics like abstinence, abortion, gay marriage, masturbation, etc I get 'crickets' in response. Conversation is limited to platitudes and cliches. I do have some awesome older women in my life and a sister who keeps it crazy real with me so I don't feel too unfulfilled at the end of the day, but it would be nice to experience this kind of fellowship. Maybe I need to start a group like this.

Posted By: nan | November 29, 2008 4:06 PM

Hmm ,
My church has the "proverbial book discussion" womens group. YUCK.

Wherever there would be a group like this was mentioned in the article sign me up as I've never been to one.
Most of the time I feel like I want to fit in with the youth group just so I can do " the fun stuff" Why is it when you get older the fun stops?

Posted By: Sonya | December 3, 2008 11:11 AM

I really love what was being written by Emily, and I know how beautiful it is to be able to let down our guards, and speak any topics of our hearts' innermost desires and worries and having sisters to listen without judgment. I was leading one of the small group in my ministry until recently things happened and I had to resign until further notice. But that doesn't mean session with sisters must stop~~ The sisters of my small group (those who happened to be on holiday yesterday) had a wonderful time hanging out, sharing and having fun over food and a short road trip, though just the four of us. Thank God and praise God for His grace! Thank you, sisters, for being there for me at this moment! :D

And to Sonya, the fun never stops when we grow older... We can still have fun. If there's no group which you can fit in, there might be a chance you might find some who share the same feelings as you do. Fun can be created everywhere, including during bible study on Proverbs. Trust me, there are so much to learn from the book of Proverbs, dearie~ HUGS!

God bless all of you, sisters around the globe! :)

Posted By: Cindy | December 19, 2008 8:55 PM

I echo the sentiments about not feeling like I fit in with the image of the ideal Christian woman---especially as the only female in a position of leadership at my church. I am not sure if it's OK to post this here, so please forgive me if not. I am looking for other women in positions of church leadership (paid staff or elders/church board members) who would be interested in being part of a learning community. My thought is to get us together on a monthly phone conference to discuss a book on leadership and how it relates to our life and ministry. I've searched for this sort of network without success, and so would like to try starting one myself. If you are interested, please contact me at nancy@mesacommunity.org.

Posted By: Nancy | January 22, 2009 8:07 PM

I agree with all you ladies basically. Why can't Christians have fun? Is the only thing we can do "crafty" or "nursing our wounds"? I think there are times for that - but it is very hard to find committed Christians who are not only safe and authentic - but who actually like to have fun!

Posted By: Mary | May 8, 2009 2:00 PM

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