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May 1, 2009

Grooming Leaders

by by Joy-Elizabeth Lawrence

"And then," the student continued, "The professor interrupted me in the middle of my presentation. He totally didn't take me seriously." My colleague and I looked at each other.

"He might . . ." I paused and began again. "You . . ." I looked at her, wrangled my courage and spit it out. "I wonder if your outfit was subliminally causing him not . . . um . . . to take your presentation seriously." She looked at me, surprised.

"You do look a little like you're going to a party," my colleague commiserated, nodding at the large flower in her hair.

"And it's cute," I said, "But inappropriate for a presentation."

Aspiring leaders long to be taken seriously. Sometimes - in some circles - we can't do much to make this happen. But we can try.

After my experience with this student, I came up with some simple, proactive ways to encourage young leaders to present themselves that garner respect. Of course, it's not surefire, nor scientific, but it may help. Let me know what you think.

1. Dress in clothes that fit.
As those of us who have spent hours looking for a pair of jeans that actually fit know, the fact that most clothes don't fit most women well comes as no surprise. Learn about your body dimensions and wear clothing that flatters your body type. Go through your closet and give away the clothes that are too small. Ask a friend who sews (Pay or barter for her services.) or a tailor to alter the clothing that fits badly. Looking presentable is not just about fashion, it's about fit.

2. Learn the difference between being unique and being flamboyant.
Some women are happy to put on a traditional, nondescript outfit and walk out the door. This tip is not for those women. This tip is for me, my student, and any other women who love unique or vintage clothing and lots of accessories. Choose one fun accessory, if you must. Ask yourself, "Do I look like a character in a play?" If the answer is yes, tone it down, sister. There's dressing up and then there's dressing up for a party. Work, business meetings, and presentations are not parties, even if they are fun.

3. Listen to your inflection.
Many women have a tendency to make declarative statements as if they have an invisible question mark at the end. While there's nothing wrong with this, a declarative sentence that sounds like a question implies doubt or insecurity, as if one is not sure what she's talking about.

4. Watch your language.
I'm not talking about four letter words here, that's a given. I'm talking about filler words such as "like," "you know," and "um." These little buggers infiltrate our speech every day. When you're thinking about which word to use next, pause, take a breath, think silently. Then talk. You will appear more thoughtful and, perhaps, you may become so.

5. Say "I" instead of "you"; say"think" instead of "feel"
Have you ever heard someone interviewed on the evening news telling about a crime they witnessed? "You just don't know what's going to happen around here anymore," a woman says, talking about herself. It's fine to talk about yourself, but take responsibility for that choice and say "I," not "you," when you are truly the subject.

Of course, if it's an issue of emotion, say "feel," but too often our thoughts are discussed as if they were emotions. "Thought" evokes a wiser connotation and implies that you're approaching the topic with an educated perspective. "Feel," is more nebulous and, like our emotions, more prone to change.

6. Navigate cultural literacy.
It happens to all of us. Someone brings up something we, somehow, missed in school or popular culture. I know someone who says, "Never heard of it," whenever I bring up a book with which she's unfamiliar. I know someone else who says, "I don't read fiction," ending the conversation. Even if you don't read fiction, or have never heard of a certain book, movie, theological or political idea, look upon the conversation as a way you can learn about something new (even if you don't check the book out of the library right away). Say "I don't know much about this. Tell me more."

What have you done to encourage others to take you more seriously? What's worked? What hasn't?

Posted by Caryn Rivadeneira on May 1, 2009 8:53 PM

Comments

How dare you! You have the gall to suggest that a woman's physical appearance has anything to do with her being taken seriously?!

OK, I'm joking here. But I must admit that somewhere within the feminist parts of my brain, I got my hackles up at your suggestion that the student need reconsider her outfit.

Why? Perhaps it's because I've heard one too many youth-talks and sermons all about girls/women dressing modestly, placing far too much of the burden for the "lust" issue unfairly on women.

Perhaps it's because I react against Christians equating nice, formal, conservative clothing with right-living. As a teen and young(er) adult, I felt so liberated wearing jeans and T-shirts to church...I felt like I wanted to prove something.

Perhaps it's because I think our outside appearances shouldn't matter a bit. So many of us women have been hurt, judged, or mocked because of physical flaws. On the flip side, many women with "perfect" figures have suffered under undue and unwanted attention from men, enduring hyper-sexualized treatment simply because of their body shape.

I could go on here, listing additional reasons why part of me just doesn't like the idea that a girl/woman should consider her appearance if she wants to be taken seriously.

But I recently re-read a favorite book (Gaudy Night by Dorothy Sayers) and there was a conversation in the book that really stood out to me. The book is set at a women's college in Oxford in the 1930's and the dons (women professors who, in their collegiate days, had been among the very first women allowed to attend university in Oxford) have a conversation among themselves about the dress of the students. They talk about how the way the young women of the day dress is basically too casual -- they reminisce about their own student days at Oxford in which they felt it was such a great _honor_ to be there and also in which they had a lot to "prove" as the very first class of female students. They always dressed formally. They did so because they honored their positions as students.

The conversation in the book got me thinking about how completely sloppily I dressed in college and how I often still dress rather sloppily for church. I started thinking about how there's something to be said for communicating honor and respect for something by the way one dresses. I've begun to think of clothing differently -- not so much about looking "cute" but about what it says about me on a deeper level. What does it say about the honor I show to learning or to God and my congregation?

All this said, perhaps I'm just getting old! My parents and surely my grandparents would be happy to hear my change of tune!

I'm glad you told that student what you did, even though it doesn't sound "liberated." There is something very realistic and actually very empowering to say, as a woman, that one's dress CAN present a serious, respect-worthy message to the world.


Posted By: kelli trujillo | May 2, 2009 11:22 AM

Very practical and useful, thanks!

Posted By: Brenda | May 4, 2009 10:31 AM

@Kelli- I agree with your desire for outward appearances to not matter, it would be a much nicer world if they did not.

But, I do not think this article was really talking about the kind of "appropriate attire" which connotates the idea of blame for lust being unfairly thrust upon women (which, I also agree, is the case most of the time, unfortunately).

As a man, if I walk into a boardroom wearing jeans and a T, I am definitely not going to be taken seriously. In fact, I might get fired for not representing my company properly to clients. Same situation as above, the article did not say that she was dressed immodestly, just inappropriately for the occasion.

The rules listed above are great for both women AND men who find it necessary, on occasion, to look professional (read: everyone).

Posted By: Eric Sherwood | May 4, 2009 7:24 PM

Thank you for the "think" versus "feel" part. Once upon a time, there was a trend in Christian circles that Christian women were supposed to say "feel" instead of "think" because it was more feminine or some other such nonsense.

Posted By: K. | May 4, 2009 8:29 PM

Helpful perspective for those starting out ... and a refresher for those of us who've been around awhile ...

It's hard to be taken seriously if we're not pulled together - physically, mentally, emotionally, spiritually. If we're not confident, not prepared, not articulate, and not aware of what's going on in the world it will be quite obvious - and we'll quickly lose credibility.

And, yes, sadly, the challenge is greater for women who aspire to leadership roles...

Posted By: Linda Stoll | May 4, 2009 9:18 PM

Thanks Joy, for reminding me of basic public speaking or interviewing skills. It is good to be remember that while we could have written a brilliant speech, it is only truly brilliant when presented in a way that the audience will fully hear it. That has nothing to do with gender! Thanks to Kelli for a story as a graceful reminder that our culture has lost the fine art of "respect". I remember when JFK died, our whole country mourned and it had nothing to do with politics. It was because respect of authority figures was the norm. Sadly, those days are gone and even though fashion styles come back, it doesn't look like having an honorable character will come full circle. Present yourself as if you respect yourself AND your audience!

Posted By: lu Allison | May 6, 2009 1:20 PM

Thank you for this timely article. My teenage daughter has recently purposed to make sure the clothing she wears is always appropriate after reading a book called "Do Hard Things". As she readies herself for seminary, I was encouraged to see her clothing style become more mature and sophisticated. The advice in this article will be well received by my daughter.

With a second daughter heading into high school, I've been encouraging her to think about the articles of clothing she buys herself, and ensure that it reflects the values that she holds dear. I loved the statement in Kelli's response: "They always dressed formally. They did so because they honored their positions as students."

How many ways can we apply those statements to our lives. For example: They always acted formally. They did so because they honored their positions as students.

Wonderful article. Thank you!

Posted By: Amy on the Farm | May 6, 2009 2:13 PM

I am sorry, I am older and have been around the block, so to speak, I am 60 and am presently attending Bible College back for a second degree and can agree with the writer. You do have to take into consideration how you are dressed to be taken seriously! First of all, you need to consider the fact that whenever and where ever we are we are a reflection of Christ! Second, if we are making a presentation do we want the audience to hear what we are saying or do we want them to be thinking about what we are wearing? Honestly ladies, we do need to be modest, I was young once, and not so wise, and I am so thankful that the Lord is merciful and forgives...please take my word for it, be respectful always, in your dress and in your manner. You can never get your time back or your actions. I had a dear friend who was Polish who shared with me an old Russian saying, a word is like a bird, once you let it go you can never get it back. Ladies, everything in life is like that...
Blessings...
wendy

Posted By: wendy s. | May 6, 2009 5:18 PM

Thank you for a very timely and appropriate article. I noticed that "lust" was mentioned more than once. The scripture tells us that "Man looks on the outward appearance." This is so true as what we are inside (where God sees) speaks for us in our outward appearance. So it is natural for man to look at what they see and judge accordingly. Decent, moderate and modest clothing for day-in and day-out wear is hard to find but can be done. Remember ladies--our clothes say it for us. Gwyn

Posted By: Gwyn Oakes | May 7, 2009 12:22 PM

I agree with our clothing (what we wear) representing how we reflect on what's inside. We can't totally blame men for "looking" if we have dressed seductively, can we? Come on ladies, be honest, we know when we're dressing to get men to "look".

Our dress provides the first impression of how we want others to "view" us. Serious, casual, sexy, etc.

Thanks for the reminder.

Posted By: Pam Childers | May 7, 2009 11:06 PM

Being modest and appropriate in clothing esp. in ministry and teaching settings has relevant value to the hearer and the speaker. Although the object of focus should not be the outward adornment, if it is revealing and/or distracting to others it takes away from the message. Why? Many today come to hear the Word but are more in tune to the natural than the spiritual. One could bleed over a message only to have it fall on deaf ears because of the fixation others have on the style of one's choosing. It shouldn't put an undue burden on choosing one's style but it should put a check on if what is being worn will be a distraction or hinderance presenting the Word and people being able to focus and see Him and Him alone. We should glorify Him in speech, dress and mannerisms.
Delivery takes time and God has a way to shine through if He has anointed one to speak on His behalf. The jargon and word usage may not be polished but He opens up ears to hear and deeply receive the Word when He calls one. It is the anointing that breaks the heart to repent or to challenge others to higher living. If young people that are called to minister would seek His face wholeheartedly He would pour Himself out of those vessels and it would confirm to many that it is not how long one has ministered that results in effectiveness but in the heart that pants after Him that matters most. Through heartfelt surrender God polishes and equipts. For those that have ministered for years it is a good thing that God did not leave you where you began but continues to be faithful to grow you in wisdom in Him and with people. May those seasoned in ministry take others under their wings and encourage them to great heights.
V.Caraotta

Posted By: Valerie Caraotta | April 9, 2010 11:10 AM

You need to dress and act in a similar fashion to the people you're communicating to. Otherwise they see you as different and it lowers their affinity for you and ability to agree with what you say.

Posted By: Rob | November 21, 2010 6:33 AM

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