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May 12, 2009

Sometimes We Do Get It Right

by by Bonnie McMaken

At Gifted for Leadership, we spend a lot of time griping about women's ministry. And I don't necessarily mean "griping" in a negative way - most of the discussions we have are constructive. We've simply been burned by the traditional systems and are looking for better ways to foster true discipleship and community in the lives of women beyond surface-level social gatherings. When we see healthy examples of these values, then, we figure we'd better share them with you.

I went on my church's women's retreat last weekend. I surprised myself by attending. I wasn't going to go, but my friend was leading worship and she asked me to come and sing with her, so I agreed. I don't know why I was so reluctant. I went through a mental checklist. Let's see? Do I love my church? Check. Do I love the women in my church? Check. Do I love retreats? Check. So, what was my problem?

I'm aware that I have an unhealthy - and maybe unfair - view of women's retreats. The image I usually conjure is a homogeneous group of women discussing topics that would only make me feel isolated and cynical. Like I said - unmerited, right? But I know these feelings are at least somewhat grounded in experiences I've had. And judging from the comments we've received on women's ministry-related posts, many of you share these views.

I have good news, though: Last weekend shattered my feeble perceptions of women's retreats. I encountered a community of women of different ages and life stages dedicated to Christ and one another. Instead of leaving the retreat cynical, I was refreshed and sensed a new vigor for my relationship with Christ, my ministry in the church, and my family.

So, what about this weekend was so formational for me?

The leaders broke us into small groups for the worship, teaching, and discussion times. Instead of choosing these groups arbitrarily, however, they intentionally placed us with women we might not connect with on a normal Sunday morning. In one group, for example, I saw a new mom, a single woman in her thirties, an "empty nester," a mother with school-aged children, and a newlywed.

I learned lessons about myself through the experiences, trials, and wisdom of the women in my group. We get stuck when we rely on ourselves and people our own age to define what is meaningful and true. We need insights from the body of Christ to pull us from the mire of our own viewpoint and champion us toward unity in Jesus (Ephesians 4).

What about you? Do you resonate with my women's ministry frustration? What has been the core of that dissatisfaction? When have you met God through the lives and encouragement of other women?

Posted by Bonnie McMaken on May 12, 2009 2:16 PM

Related Tags: church, community, women's ministry

Comments

I don't mind the retreats as much. But I despise the Christmas dinners, brunches, etc. I don't even know why. Perhaps I just want more or different and this is too cleancut and controlled for me. My time is limited - I want something that truly matters.....

I recently went through a set of classes that used a recently developed curriculum that I think would be revolutionary for women's ministry - it's called "Listen to My Life" and the spiritual inner work done through it is HUGE. For a group of hungry women this would be so significant - and it REPRODUCES ministry. It's written by Sibyl Towner and Sharon Swing. Check it out!

Posted By: Jan Owen | May 13, 2009 8:12 AM

I think the problem is that many churches seem to buy into many stereotypes and then design ministry around them. It's like the Christian version of The Breakfast Club. If the church sees women as giggly, sweet lovers of shoes, flowers, shopping, chocolate, and the color pink, well, then, bless their hearts, that's what it'll give them! This works okay for women who already have a place in that church and can see beyond the silliness to enjoy the friendships they have with other women, but for those who are seeking those relationships, this can be intimidating or offensive.

It is frustrating to be in your 30s and have to relive the nightmare of being the nerdy girl in the gym class with all the cheerleaders and the Homecoming Court nominees!

Posted By: Jenny Elam | May 13, 2009 3:37 PM

Great post, Bonnie! What I've learned to do as I mature as a believer is to see the instrumental possibilities with those events that previously have made me so nuts. They become opportunities for reaching lives in new ways. So while the idea of retreats and tea parties and brunches generally make me nuts, I now see them as the means and not the end.

Posted By: Sarah Flashing | May 14, 2009 1:58 PM

Jan, thanks for the tip!

Jenny and Sarah, it seems you're both saying that while these "activities" aren't bad in and of themselves, they become unhelpful when they are the only vehicles that ministries use to encourage women into community. Or when we believe that these activities=community. I totally agree.

I know these can be an easy way for women to get involved and meet people, but like Jenny expressed, they can also be a means of isolation and insecurity when we don't feel we are the kind of person who belongs there.

True formation and discipleship CAN and DOES happen in these arenas, but only when we are open to the Spirit and to one another.

Posted By: Bonnie M | May 15, 2009 9:13 AM

Yes, I agree. I don't want to underestimate the fact that some women do experience isolation and insecurity. I certainly still do myself. So what is the corrective? We talk about book studies, more indepth bible studies, discussion groups, etc. For me, 4 hours in a McD's with one of these women becomes the greatest alternative. Women's conferences are virtually nonexistent (locally to Chicago, that is). Lots to consider!

Posted By: Sarah Flashing | May 15, 2009 12:51 PM

I almost didn't read this today because I was so overwhelmed getting ready for a women's retreat! I've been dreading it for days and this put all my feelings into words. It seems that the more I don't want to go, the more God is working and amazing things happen. So I'm pretty sure this is going to be a fabulous retreat! Thanks for the timely words!

Posted By: nancy | May 15, 2009 2:00 PM

"Listen to my Life" sounds awesome. Please can somebody tell mewhere I can find out more

Posted By: Cheryll Bird | June 7, 2009 8:38 AM

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