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June 19, 2009

How to Take a Compliment

by Nicole Unice

While checking my children into the nursery at church last week, an acquaintance of mine approached. "Susan, this is who I've been telling you about!" she exclaimed, pulling her friend behind her. She turned to me with a big smile. "I've been telling Susan all about you, how you're so good at speaking. You are the best teacher!"

I froze, not sure what to say. She continued, "I don't know how you do it all, with all you do at church, and your kids are so well-behaved and you are so thin!" I smiled and coughed out a "thanks." Inside, I was cringing. I knew she meant well, but I felt incredibly awkward. I ran through some of my possible responses:

"Yeah, I think I'm the best teacher of all of them too!" The arrogant approach, while hoping none of them are standing behind me.

"Actually, I'm terrified to stand in front of people" The false humility approach.

"Don't worry, my kids are actually brats." The somewhat true but uncomfortable approach.

I realize that I find it very hard to take a compliment. A room full of people? No problem. But one person's full attention? I avoid it like the grocery store on Sunday.

With leadership comes the spotlight, a place where your work is recognized. Learning to graciously accept compliments will boost your confidence as well as make the compliment-er feel comfortable with you. Here's what I've learned:

DO say thank you.
A simple thank you would have worked well in my exchange. If I had insisted my teaching was "no big deal" or "not that good," I would be downplaying the use of my talents for God's work. Self-deprecating comes easily, as it masquerades as humility. My acceptance of her verbal gift - whether or not I fully agreed - allows me to bless her efforts to encourage me.

DO use the compliment to open conversation.
If I was properly caffeinated on Sunday, perhaps I could have thought quicker in my compliment-exchange. I would have liked to respond with a thank you and used the compliment to start a conversation about the Bible study. This would have allowed me to accept her verbal gift while moving on to equal ground.

DON'T return the compliment - unless you mean it.
A flashing signal of insincerity is a hastily returned compliment. Have you ever received a compliment because the person didn't know what else to say? Once I tried highlights at home, and the resulting blond-and-orange zebra stripes demanded notice. "Oh!" several women said, their voices rising and falling in a crescendo, "your hair looks so great!" Using compliments as a cover is inauthentic.

DON'T blabber.
A friend of mine told me about her own experience with compliments-gone-south. A pastor praised her administrative work with the children's ministry at church. My friend replied, "Yes, well I sure needed that master's degree in elementary education to wipe my kid's noses and drive the minivan." Conversation turned to awkward silence while the pastor mumbled something about "gifts." My friend kicked herself for the rest of the week.

DO share your weaknesses with your platform.
Receiving compliments about my strengths is much easier when I'm openly sharing my weaknesses. The "well-behaved children" compliment bothered me because of how hard I actually find mothering. When I reflected in prayer on my irritation, God gently reminded me how often I share my own struggles at raising young children. It's easy to parade my best side as a leader. But when I'm willing to speak openly about my struggles, it makes it easier to take pride in the strengths God has given me.

DON'T plan to meet everyone's expectations.
I'm learning to recognize that other's disappointment is inevitable. As my influence rises, so do people's expectations. People recognize and herald gifts, and I begin to feel that others have a false expectation of what I can accomplish. They probably do.

One of the reasons I was uncomfortable with the teaching compliment is my own pressure to be "the best" every time. Confessing to God my desire for others' approval and talking with a friend about the pressure of expectations has helped relieve the pressure that comes with leadership.

I would like to receive a compliment without appearing cocky, awkward or ungrateful. And by modeling this ss a leader, I can influence others in practicing authentic expressions of encouragement. Next time I'm in the nursery line, I'll have my smile and thank you ready!

Nicole Unice is a contributing editor for GiftedforLeadership.com, and a counselor, speaker, and writer. She also serves in Family and Student Ministry at Hope Church in Richmond, VA.

Posted by Caryn Rivadeneira on June 19, 2009 7:03 PM

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Comments

I am glad that someone else feels the same way as I do. I think that it's not a bad thing to feel humble at a complement. It has taken me a while to learn to accept it, and then to just say "Thank you". I am glad for the affirmations, but I still feel almost embarrased when people go on about something I do for the Lord.

Posted By: Deb Washer | June 20, 2009 8:32 AM

Thanks so much for this post. I always find it kind of awkward when someone compliments me, and I've never really thought about how I should respond. I've made the "Oh yes, I know, I'm pretty awesome" response, the"Oh no, no. I'm not worthy of your compliments because..." response and other responses that ended in an awkward pause in the conversation. I will implement the "thank you" approach from now on when some one compliments me. Again, great post!

Posted By: wolf rhino | June 22, 2009 1:56 AM

Thanks immensely for this post. I do feel terribly terribly embarrassed when complimented. I find myself tongue-tied at not having any response at the point in time. The sad thing is that - give me another 30 minutes or so, and all alone, I will have the exact response that will set off a good conversation. Tell me, why do I always have the answer long after the question is posed and forgotten?

Posted By: Nkiru | June 23, 2009 9:19 AM

Great post. I finally learned to just say thank you, no matter how good or bad I felt about my actions. What is also difficult is when we start to EXPECT those compliments and are disappointed when we don't get them, or when the expectation of receiving that positive feedback causes us to choose projects we think we can do well, rather than "riskier" ones that the Lord may prefer we choose and depend on Him to do "well".

Posted By: celeste | June 23, 2009 11:06 AM

Why not just reply, “We always wonder how our efforts are viewed. Thanks for your kind remarks. You just made my day!”

Posted By: Joy | June 23, 2009 7:28 PM

The greatest gift I was ever given was in how to graciously accept compliments, by my high school drama coach. I've never forgotten his words: "When you share the gifts you've been given, it blesses others, and they just want to let you know they appreciate it. Saying a simple "thank you" is all that is required."

Posted By: Denise | June 25, 2009 7:20 AM

I really appreciate your article and agree that a simple thank you is the best way. However, a lovely woman preacher once told me that she treats compliments and criticism (when she's done her best for God) in the same way. At the end of the day she takes both to criticisms and the praise and she puts them all together and gives them up to God. She understood that both were earned through and by serving Him and to Him, they are both the same. She doesn't retain ownership of either of them, but gives Him the glory whether people appreciate or are annoyed by her service to Him. Good idea, isn't it. It helps not not to take anything personally, whether good or bad.

Posted By: Bev | June 26, 2009 9:19 AM

Loved this post. I am often tempted to fall for the return compliment. When someone says something nice it may be awkward, but it is nice. I want to return that gift. Like so many others in these posts, I am learning to hold loosely to both compliments and criticism. Both can turn your stomach or your heart, both can rest inappropriately inside your ego, and both come from people who (unlike God) don't have the full picture of our lives. It always helps to hold both at a safe distance while resting much closer to the reality that God knows and loves us deeply whether we knocked it out of the park or served up a lesson that nearly got us fired.

Posted By: Tracey | June 26, 2009 11:49 AM

Yahoo Nicole! Great article and REALLY great writing. Obviously from the multiple posts you have hit on a hot issue. Now...just say "thanks!"
your fan, lesa :o)

Posted By: lesa | June 26, 2009 7:40 PM

I was in my teens whean a young child held on to me and followed me whereever. One day she held my hand in a loving wrap around hers and said 'I want to be just like you when I grow up.' I slapped her hand away and actually tossed her aside. I could see the recoil in her emotions, not yet hurt though.

I was not being harsh, I am not like that. I couldn't handle a compliment like that in my mean basted low esteem. Thirty years later, and no info on the whereabouts about that girl, I still remember with regret that reaction and the possible punch to that child's esteem.

I am thankful for your comments about receiving compliments as I have not gone too far from the incident prior.

Posted By: juditth | June 30, 2009 8:52 AM

This is a timely post since just last night I felt the Holy Spirit tell me that I needed to learn how to take a compliment! Thanks so much!

Posted By: Rebekah | July 3, 2009 10:44 AM

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