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June 12, 2009

Wondering Why We're Sent

by by Suanne Camfield

When I walk into a roomful of strangers, I engage in what is, at best, a self-imposed test in discernment; at worst a superficial gamble. I scan the women to whom I will be speaking and instinctually begin an imprecise version of memory, flipping cards in a lame attempt to match the earnestness of their smiles with the state of their souls. I do it with pretense, albeit pretense with an asterisk. Pretense: I want to know their stories. Asterisk: I want to know their stories to know if I'll hit my mark. I toss God a prayer: Okay, You sent me here, now show me why.

Then I wait.

But at a recent event, he didn't answer. Or so I thought.

Several of us were chatting easily over dinner, typical mom small talk - number of kids, gender, ages - when a card was flipped and the match was breathtakingly unexpected.

"And how old are your children?" a soon-to-be grandmother asked.

The question was directed at a young red-haired woman across the table.

"I have two boys," the red-haired woman said. "Twins."

I had heard her mention a daughter earlier, so I asked, "And a third, right?"

Her eyes dropped and her voice became a choked whisper. "I had seven-year-old daughter. She passed away."

Her tears were instant.

"I'm so sorry," I said.

Heavy, awkward silence.

Lying in bed that night, her pain hovered over me, threatening to swallow the distance between my heart and my brain. The thought of my own seven-year-old daughter being anywhere but tucked snugly in her pink flannel sheets was too daunting to imagine. Pretending it couldn't happen to me was the only solace that finally brought sleep.

The next morning, the ache of her loss pounded in my chest as the sun rose over Lake Michigan. Then - a flash of hope.

This is why you brought me here, I prayed. You have something you want me to say. A word of truth, a touch of healing, a drop of grace. I'll do anything you ask.

After my morning session, I approached the woman with a smile she graciously returned.

"I couldn't stop praying for you last night," I said. "I want you to know you have freedom here. If you need space, take it, but I'm here. Whatever you need."

The sentiment was enough to bring a mix of tears and nervous laughter. No more information was given, but I'd let her know I cared and that was enough for now. We had more time and I trusted that God's healing touch was divinely embedded in a remaining session.

As it turned out, she took my advice on getting some space. I didn't see her again until the next morning, and I was relieved that she'd at least be in the final session - God's last chance to heal her soul via me. Only right before the session, instead of taking her seat, she thanked me and said goodbye; she had a long drive and needed to be going.

My gamble in discernment was a bust and, truth be told, I was a little irritated with God.

That's it? You're just going to let her leave? But I've got stuff she needs to hear! And what about the video clip? I HAVE THE PERFECT VIDEO CLIP!

Driving home, I was unsettled: What is my deal? Filled with regret: Why didn't I ask her daughter's name? Angry: God, I begged you to use me. Why didn't you?

The rebuke came swiftly and it stung. Maybe, Suanne, my plans for her had nothing to do with you. Maybe, I didn't need you. You are not her Savior. That job belongs to me and me alone. I AM enough.

Ouch. Depressing. Depressing because I almost wanted it not to be true.

As a leader in ministry, I used to think God's primary purpose was to use me. Now, I'm wondering if what he really wants is to change me and perhaps - if I'm lucky - he'll use me in the process.

Maybe I should have done more for that woman. Maybe I did all I could. I'll probably never know, but at the end of the day, if I trust that God is who he says he is, then my only choice is to believe that the life of a broken-hearted red-haired woman is in completely capable hands.

No games. No questions. No gamble.

Posted by Caryn Rivadeneira on June 12, 2009 8:29 PM

Related Tags: failure, humility, women's ministry

Comments

The heart of many Christians, and especially women is to be used as a vehicle of God's instrument. There is great joy in a word spoken in due season or in being there to give of one's services to help those in need. God however cannot be put in a box in the methods He uses or in the people He uses. Needed humility can come to those that feel their leadership position or spirituality warrents God to use them regularly as needs arise. When God chooses other methods than what we thought our services can provide to others it should humble us in realizing that indeed "his ways are higher than ours" and that God is not only smart in the Divine connections He sets up but uses those least likely to prove His power is made perfect in weakness. Let us never underestimate those He can use and also realize any time we are used it should humble us that He could have used a donkey or any other means to accomplish His will but chose to enable us despite ourselves.

Posted By: Valerie Caraotta | June 12, 2009 9:31 PM

I can identify with the shouldas. I'm doing CPE now in a retirement community and have encounters with people at every stage of aging--from those who are completely independent to those in the hospital or skilled care needing memory support. I have just completed only my 3rd week, so I understand trying to discern your role in a group of strangers or with an individual. Sometimes we're not supposed to DO anything, but be a listening, non-anxious presence. Blessings.

Posted By: Ivy | June 13, 2009 5:02 AM

I've been asking God to let me share with his daughters the things that I've learned from Him.

But as I was asking again yesterday for an opportunity to help this is what He shared with me

He doesn't need my help. I'm like a 2 year old asking daddy if I can help him make a souffle. He can do a much better job without me, but He allows me to help because He loves me. He knows I'm going to make a mess. I'm only two.

He teaches me as I grow how to be careful with the batter (people) because it(they are) fragile and if I'm not careful I can cause it(them) to fall.

He reminds me how much He loves His daughters and how precious they are to Him.

Posted By: Beth | June 14, 2009 8:34 AM

I too have been learning that first, God wants to change me... then I just have to trust Him to use me when He so choses... It's so easy for me to get frustrated when people I'm trying to minister to don't respond as I thought they would (or should)... Besides, wasn't it God leading me in that direction in the first place??

But, yes, I've had to let go (and keep reminding myself to keep letting go)and trust God to touch the people He wants, WHEN He wants, HOW He wants... All I need to do is continue following where I feel Him leading and trust Him to do the rest! It's not easy to just let go, but who am I kidding... He's the only One who can really reach down and touch lives in a transformational way! I'm blessed to be along for the ride...

Posted By: Melanie | June 15, 2009 8:54 AM

God has His own way of using His people. I continue to learn this every day. Yes, I too constantly say, "Father, use me." Just when I think I know exactly "how" He plans to use me (through a great bible lesson, teaching, workshop, publication, etc.), He does it another way outside of my expectation. The reality is, He's doing a work in me, and that work might be just the thing He choses to use to bless His people (rather than my wonderfully planned workshop). The Father may chose to use a smile to bring healing rather than the words coming from my mouth. It is very humbling! So now when I say, "Lord, use me," I ask Him to help me to accept the manner in which HE choses to use me, and I discard my own concepts of how I think He ought to use me. (Yes, I'm stilling learning to relinguish my will so that His will may be done!)

Posted By: Michele | June 20, 2009 10:12 AM

I enjoyed reading your article, but be careful of vanity. God may have had someone else there that was better suited (background experiences, etc.) to use for her situation or she may be a strong enough person in that regard where she didn't need that kind of help or help at that time. I love God too. I understand wanting to be special to Him and to stand out for Him. I guess we have to remember our places though. It is a wonder He loves us so much in this big world with all of us pebbles in the sand. He knows us each by name and loves us all intimately when we seek Him and invite us in. So much so that Jesus died for us. Now shouldn't that be enough for a lifetime. (lol, smile)

Posted By: Angel | June 22, 2009 7:38 AM

My commitment to God some years ago, has been to do His will, and not mine, whatever He chose, and however He chose to use me, that I will accept. I thought, why should God choose me for ministry? You see, I was seeing things from the natural point of view, not from God's recognizing that He is God,and He decides, because He is God. As I grew in faith and become spiritually mature daily, I now that Him for His choice, and I know now that as A Christian, obedience to God and His ways, is what is necessary to truly live in freedom. I have learnt that my daily submitting to Him, is teaching me the lesson of serving others, supporting others in His work. I depend on Him for the assurance of my "ways pleasing to Him", in what I say and do. Many times, I reflect, and thank Him for blessing me in the way He chooses to use me, for I see myself unworthy of His love and blessing, yet He blesses all who will obey. Some years ago, when I read in His Word that greater things we will do because He goes to the Father. I thought I of myself would be doing these greater things? I pondered it. Then the Lord showed me, He will be doing much more great things, though His obedient people, because He will not be limited anymore physically, but will continue His work through us, as He does it through us. I realise that many times self tries to get in God's way, but we must deny self in order to please God, and let Him lead.

Posted By: Abigail | June 28, 2009 5:18 PM

Thank you for this reminder that it is truly God who opens eyes,lifts the heart of those who are broken and grief stricken. We are vessels to certainly be used by Him, as his hands and feet. Sometimes though, I think we are too ready and eager to step in to help before asking God if the situation is meant for us, or if it's our business. When I begin to convince myself that what I am saying to someone else is helping them or changing them....then I become deceived. Sometimes I have to get out of God's way and allow God to be GOD! Nothing is impossible with God. I suffered a shock when my father died in a trucking accident. I was grieved beyond despair, until my Aunt and my husband and community literally stayed by my side and loved me through it all! I kept saying that I should have better control because after all, I was a professional Lay Minister and knew where dad was...with Jesus. But, my body couldn't comprehend it, my emotions were out of it! I was in so much pain. My road to peace began when I sought the Lord through honest conversation and reading His Word. Currently, it's been almost a year and I am at thankful that when I am incapable of ministering to someone,because of my tears and weakness, I know that God has it covered.

Posted By: Misty | July 29, 2009 12:15 AM

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