Gifted for Leadership

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From childhood, I've preferred the company of boys. Boys focus on the here and now and are all about action. Girls hold grudges, make comparisons, and talk too much! Of course, these are just generalities, but for me, often true.

Even as an adult, I've found most of the pain in my life has come from women. Women who judge, women who speak sweetly to my face, but gather later to pick through my life with their pious pretense.

And what about me? Yes, I'm a woman. I've too often fallen into that pit myself.

If women are ever to really bond and support one another they are going to have to get serious about the one another's of the Bible. We're going to have to learn what it means to really love one another deeply from the heart...to consider others better than ourselves.

Maybe then, women will be fully equipped to take on the leadership roles that matter. Roles that model and promote heart changes in one another and the church.

Posted By: Karen | September 16, 2009 6:30 AM

Am a victim of rejection from women of the church and at the work place. I know what to do ... Pray and believe God for "an elephant size heart and skin" it painful and very discouraging especially if you know your in leadership position and you need to pursue goals in the body of Christ.

Posted By: Joanne | September 16, 2009 8:52 AM

What a great post! The idea that women are more a problem to other women is spot on. That's been my experience my entire life. I think in this specific area of women in leadership, women are probably more of a hinderance than men are. Whether because the resource (leadership opportunity) is scarce or because one woman can't stand to see another woman have what she can't have. I have experienced women who do not feel free in one area who then embark on a lifelong campaign to deny every other woman that freedom.

It's just sad.

Posted By: Tami | September 16, 2009 9:00 AM

When I experienced conflict with another female staffer at church, the men on staff to whom I looked for help in mediation seemed unable to factor the female rivalry dynamic into the equation though it was most definitely a factor.

Posted By: Michelle Van Loon | September 16, 2009 10:02 AM

So many people I know, both men and women, approach life from a scacity mindset--grab what you can because there's not enough. But Jesus taught an abundance mindset--give, and it will be given to you, shaken down, filled to overflowing.
It's true, women sometimes have a tendency to be competitive. But they also have a tendency to blame themselves for problems--and while I haven't read the two books mentioned, I wonder if that might be a factor in this premise?
I think rivalry comes from this scarcity mindset. But I think in a setting where women are free to lead and use their gifts, and where those gifts are not just tolerated but celebrated, they begin to believe that there is room at the table for more than just a few.
Part of our responsibility as women leaders is to raise up, encourage and provide opportunities for other women. Rather than complaining about how other women hurt us, we should set the example and treat other women as we'd like to be treated.

Posted By: Keri Wyatt Kent | September 16, 2009 7:59 PM

You're so right, Keri. If we aspire to leadership, we need to be able to lead ourselves well. This means rejoicing for a sister who gains the opportunity you might have wanted, instead of kicking yourself around the block for something you did (or didn't do) that contributed to someone else being chosen. It means stopping the gossip (!) about one another, since all gossip does is tear down, not build up. It means laying ego aside and genuinely seeking the good of our sisters above our own, and trusting that God will provide for us, and open the opportunities He wants us to have in His time, not trying to horn in on someone else.

Posted By: Alison | September 17, 2009 6:13 PM

It's funny. I have to say that for the most part, the beginning of my life started as Karen's (the first post), but since then has grown gradually in the other direction. Ashamedly, I have to admit that I have acted as one of those backstabbing women myself.

Now, I'm finding my trust more in Christ than in the women around me. I treat them with fairness. Take what they have to say to me both with a grain of salt and as something to think on - to pray about myself.

I no longer obsess on whether they are really talking about me behind my back. Instead, I trust that God will take care of that injustice. I try to treat other women around me with love and compassion. And when I don't receive the same, I seek my Father to give that to me.

Do I see the rivalry still? Yes. Unfortunately. But now I don't let myself get caught up in it.

Beautiful post. Thank you.

Posted By: Juli | September 18, 2009 10:44 AM

I found a quote on a cute business card box from an unknown author last Christmas. It said, "Here's to good women everywhere; May we know them, may we become them, may we raise them." It was the perfect gift to give my mentor.

She helped me discover many things about myself and my confidence grew tremendously in the time that I spent with her. I wish all women could experience a relationship like that. I agree, at church and in the work place women despirately need leadership and mentoring.

I've been a part of some great organizations in my career, and I've also been a part of some very dysfunctional organizations! I actually had a female boss years ago that fired me because she felt threatened by me! I've also had female bosses that I would do anything for because they've been so wonderful and encouraging to work for. We need to surround ourselves with these uplifting women, and become them ourselves!

Posted By: Julie | September 18, 2009 10:52 AM

I have to say that, as I have stepped into ordained ministry, many other women in the ministry and in leadership have been great encouragers and have reached out a warm hand of fellowship to me. In my area, several of us that are at the same stage meet every two or three weeks to share and pray together. I have sensed very little rivalry or jealousy, and am grateful to God for the strength and grace that comes through my sisters.

Posted By: molly dee | September 18, 2009 12:48 PM

True Christ-followers would not be in rivalry with anyone, men or women. Yet among surface-level "Christians", all worldly things can happen just like in the world, and things like competition happen among women as well as men. So, what are we to do? Become Christ-like with God's grace, humble and gentle, and help others go down the same path with God's grace, men or women.

Posted By: Helen | September 18, 2009 2:11 PM

Thankfully I've found women mentors that have invested in me and the kinds of leadership God has called me to. There have been other times though that I've felt like I've needed to minimize the things I'm involved in for fear that it would intimidate other women. This fear isn't completly unwarranted- there have been times women have made snarky comments about my life and ministry when I share the kinds of things I'm responsible for.

Posted By: Jessica (Sidewalk Theologian) | September 18, 2009 3:47 PM

Competition, rivalry . . .you haven't seen this among men? Looks like human nature to me, and we all have it, men and women. Pride, control, insecurities---all part of our carnal fleshly nature. Jesus came for this too. Thank God for the Holy Spirit, who is doing the work of sanctification in all of us. We all need to read Romans 12 every morning!

Posted By: Sharon | September 18, 2009 6:50 PM

I am both appreciative of and saddened by some of the stories here (with the exception of Molly De''s story!). As Tami and Keri mentioned, I think the principle of scarcity is definitely a factor, as well as Alison's comment about rejoicing for our fellow sisters rather than beating ourselves up for what we did or didn't do to be chosen for a specific opportunity. As one woman told me, "I have met the enemy, and she is me." How convicting!

Yes, a good dose of Titus 2 and Romans 12 are in order!

Posted By: Halee Scott | September 19, 2009 6:12 AM

Sometimes I do not think it is leadership that trips women in ministry but a lack of understanding of leadership roles and the expectations. In a job setting I am expected to make decisions,do my best and know my job. In ministry among women I think the tendency is to look for consensus of thought so we can be "one" in Christ. To move and make all decisons as a group effort. I think we take the nurturing thing a little too far and substitute that for discipling, training in righteousness and teaching. We get frustrated trying to bond into everyone is my dear friend when we need to learn how to work together well.

Posted By: Pat Davis | September 19, 2009 4:12 PM

Thanks to my friend, the writer of the article. It brings out the point of men and women in their "mostly" carnal nature in operation when "talking down" other women, and "women leaders" who may me seeking to help them to grow spiritually. My sisters and I never competed against one another, and I had a few real friends who were loving and caring to me and to others around them, yet there were others who told me they did not like my dress or my hair-style, when I thought my dress was a beautiful one, and I looked quite nice. In the church circle, because I stand up for righteousness, I am not liked by some women especially, as they think that I feel I am more spiritual than they are. I move among them in a simple, humble way, yet, they do not care for me to be around them, as they listen to gossip. They are those who are my true friends, who love the Lord, and they do not gossip others, and they are supportive to me and others; among these include other women leaders who are very supportive and we relate to each other well, and have no relationship problems. There are others who appreciate me, because they have been counseled, or ministered to in some way. Both men and women need to spend time with God, in order to be blesed and be a blessing to others. Thank you for sharing. I admire the writer's humility. God bless you. Abigail

Posted By: abigail Taylor | September 19, 2009 6:33 PM

Sometimes the object of the rivalry is men; a would want to show men she is better than the other woman. It is a trap! And I've noticed that if care is not taken, men can take advatage of it, and the battle rages on!

Posted By: Dodis | September 24, 2009 9:33 AM

Rivalry between women has always been there. The intensity only differs depending on the situation e.g is it at church, at work or at home. i have experienced rivalry at home and at work. Generally I get along well with men because i think I work well with men. This is not to say there aren't women who I work well with, but i am making a general statement from what i have observed even though this is something that has happened subconsciously. It is easy for women to into rivalry because we somehow feel we have something to prove, - to who is the question that each one of has to answer.

i have a mentor who is a woman, and I also mentor other women. I worked under the leadership of a woman in my second job and that woman is still someone i look up to because she taught me a lot and I draw my strength from some of the experiences I have had with her and her genuine advice and active participation in my career. i also worked with another woman who was a level higher than me at , in the same department and we both reported to the sae boss , yet she made sure i knew she was a level higher than me- you know generally being bossy and stepping on your toes with this I am a senior here kind of attitude. i believe this rivalry was a result of fear of competition on her part, even though i never felt I needed to prove anything to her. What we need to do as women is to realise that we leave a legacy for our daughters and we need to choose that legacy now. Do we want our daughters to be forever competing amongst themselves or do we want them to achieve the best they can in any environment knowing fully well that they will get support , based not on their gender? We need to pray about this and ask God for the right way to mold them and set a precedent by learning to uplift each other at work, at home and at church. Let us speak positively about other women, learn to compliment each other more, provide mentorship for one another and make the ceiling of achievement more reachable for women.

Posted By: Mai2 | September 25, 2009 5:01 AM

I, too, have experienced this attitude within the church and the workplace. (And I'm sure I have been on the giving end on occasion.) I have found myself with more male friends than female for this very reason. Yet, deep down, I long for trusting, female friendships. Thank you for this article!

Posted By: Melissa | September 25, 2009 10:19 AM

I love women. I was the third of three sisters and although I copped a fair bit from them, that, and going to an all girl school caused me to really identify with them.

I'm not a girly girl and have a strong personality, and I am a co leader with my husband of a movement of churches which encompasses female and male leadership. I have found the women in my team to be among the best, fairest and most loving people a person could ever know... as have many of the men been.

In my times of disappointment with those I co labour with, as many of them have been men as women... hurtful, deceptive people are found in both sexes. I feel that much of the problem with women in leadership is women who dislike other women... it doesn't have to be so. If we employ the twin gifts of forgiveness and repentance, our hearts will stay right with whatever gender we are working with... it's not easy, that's true, but it's not a single gender issue either.

Posted By: Bev Murrill | September 29, 2009 10:42 AM

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