Gifted for Leadership: Let's Talk About Sex

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January 5, 2010

Let's Talk About Sex

by by Halee Gray Scott

No matter where you are, they will find you. Flip on the television to watch your favorite show, there they are. Go to the supermarket and buy your groceries at the checkout stand, there they are. Drive down the freeway, there they are. Turn on the radio in the car or your home, there they are. Log on to the Internet and navigate to your favorite websites, and, yup, they are there. Sexual images are everywhere, and advertisers as well as media content programming executives know that “sex sells.” Yet, the most troublesome issue with these images is not their pervasiveness nor even sex itself, but rather the image of sex they are perpetuating. As Laurie Abraham, the executive editor of Elle magazine, stated, “The worst thing about women’s magazines is how much we lie about sex.”

Last month, I participated in a panel discussion at a local church on the topic of female sexuality in which over 800 women participated, either by attending the sessions in person or by logging in online. The number of attendees, along with the quantity and quality of their questions about biblical sexuality, made one thing clear: as Christian leaders, especially female Christian leaders, we need to talk more about sex and we need to talk about it more deeply.

It’s not that the Church, as a whole, is silent about the issue; it’s just that compared to the messages we receive from the culture about sex, the message we receive from church is something like comparing the pressurized gush of a fire hydrant to the trickle of a leaky faucet. As leaders, we need to be open about the topic of sexuality and move beyond the typical “Just don’t do it” answers. We need to present a compelling vision of healthy sexuality and talk about the emphatic “Yes” that God says to sex the way he intended it.

By far, the most common question (at least for single people) about sexuality is some variation of, “How far can I go in this or that area before I’m sinning?” As a person who has thought deeply about the matters of spiritual formation and the role our bodies play in how our spirits are formed, my response is: “That’s the wrong question.”

To move toward a more holistic image and healthy practice of sexuality in our lives, the critical question is: “Is what I’m doing making me more like God? Is what I’m doing with my body drawing me and those around me closer to God?”

Single or married, our bodies matter to God, and what we do with our bodies can either draw us closer to God or cause us to drift further away from him. This is the filter we should use when considering what it means to have a holy and healthy sex life. Approaching the question this way fundamentally shifts the focus from ourselves (i.e. what makes me feel good) back to God. It honors moral imperative Jesus issued in Matthew 22:37-40: “You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind. This is the great and first commandment. And a second is like it: You shall love your neighbor as yourself. On these two commandments depend all the Law and the Prophets.”

Like the Apostle Paul, who never shirked away from the topic of sex and devoted a large portion of his writing to matters of sexuality, as Christian leaders we need to make this issue prominent in our ministry in order to provide a meaningful corrective to the false image of sexuality portrayed in our culture.

Is sex something talked about much in your ministry?

Comments

"To move toward a more holistic image and healthy practice of sexuality in our lives, the critical question is: “Is what I’m doing making me more like God? Is what I’m doing with my body drawing me and those around me closer to God?” "

Unfortunately, and maybe the church needs to accept responsibility for this, a large percentage of women in the church today would believe that even loving sex with their husbands is "bad." And that's women who don't have the horror of sexual abuse to contend with.

Your ideas seem to start with a premise that married sex is good and something to be enjoyed. Unfortunately, that's not been completely established. I've known married women who have asked the question you decided was the wrong question above. They want to know what they can do with their husbands before they're sinning because of the inherent belief that sex itself is wrong. That it's something to be endured so they can have children. That it's something to be tolerated because of a "man's needs."

Christian women need to be allowed to own their own healthy sexuality first. As we come into that understanding, we can start to see how that unity with our husbands does bring us closer to God.

... good questions on a much-needed dialogue ... keep the dialogue going on how we can best honor God with our bodies.

This is a fascinating and illuminating article. As a woman in ministry, I completely agree that there is a tremendous need in our churches and our world for more positive dialogue on sex.

Snaps to you for embracing the topic and bringing it to the forefront.

Freddae'
http://coffeegodandme.blogspot.com

I work with college aged women and this is such an important topic that myself and my colleagues attempt to discuss with these students. It is sad how not only culture but also the Church wrongly shaped their view of sexuality.

The past few months myself along with about 12 college women worked through a study called "Lust Free Living" (www.lustfreeliving.org). This is an incredibly tool for women to go through. Among so many things, the women learned that their sexuality was something God created and is something to appreciate rather than feel shame for.

Thanks for writing this article and I look forward to others' comments on this important topic!

This past summer, my church (Scum of the Earth Church in Denver) did a series on Money, Sex, and Power. One Sunday, we had a sex panel where people could ask questions about sex anonymously before the service and these questions were answered by four authentic and vulnerable and beautifully honest pastors.

One of the pastors described the "too far" question as "How far towards the edge of the umbrella can you go before you get wet?" That's not the point of the umbrella, obviously. He reversed the question too.

There are a few amazing sermons on sex that were preached this past summer. Unfortunately the one on female sexuality was probably the weakest. Here is a link to our podcasts if you are interested: http://www.scumoftheearth.net/podcasts/

Another church in Denver, Pathways, did a series on sex that was amazing this past fall. The series was called "Crave" and it was based on Song of Solomon. Here's a link to their media: http://www.pathwaysuptown.org/media.html

I so appreciate the ministry of both of these churches and hope I can learn from them for future ministry I am involved in.

Sex is one area which a lot of us christians shy away from. As a result we become ignorant of what God wants in this area and find ourselves going in the opposite direction; trying so hard to be like everyone else

I have been talking about sex with Christian audiences since the publication of my book Smart Sex: Finding Lifelong Love in a Hookup World. I often get the kind of comments i'm seeing here: why doesn't the church talk more about this? Many men and women of my Baby Boom generation have negative experiences with the sexual revolution that they can't completely make sense of.
I too, work with college students, and I can tell you they are hungry for life-affirming reasons for saving sex for marriage. Visit me at http://www.ruthinstitute.org

Great post! You are right on. Our lack of giving a Biblical view of female sexuality leaves women in much confusion and disillusion. No one but the world is talking about sex and their misinformation is allowing our young people and marriages to be ravaged by the enemy. We need to get educated and educate our young people, couples and marriages. After teaching about this subject at a Ministers Wives retreat they profusely thanked me because its not being talked about in the church.

Tied into the sex question is the underlying personal rights filter. What is best for ME.

As you mentioned, we must see God's great love for us as sexual human beings, made male and female, and that living for ourselves and our satisfaction is antithetical to God's design. What is sexually appropriate? Scripture teaches in Song of Solomon the beauty of sexual pleasure, the treasure of encountering "the one" for whom pleasure and wholeness reside.
Unfortunately, men have been sadly misdirected as well as women with regards to sex, and the church needs to redirect all back to the selflessness of sexual union.

It is a correct statement that we ought to filter ALL through a love of God that is profoundly all-encompassing, and a love of neighbor that consistently directs them toward the love of God. Our bodies are not our own. We belong to each other. Lets learn to love in "spirit and in truth" with a love that demonstrates integrity to our faith, trust toward our mate, and abandonment to God.

Wow! Great discussion going on here! It's exciting to hear about so many different ministries and teachings that are being done on female sexuality! We definitely need more!

@ Tami--you're right about many women thinking that even sex with their husbands is bad. Think about it. For so many years, all we've been taught is: Don't do it. Shut off your sexuality. Then we're just supposed to magically switch gears once we tie the knot? It's not that easy. And I definitely think it is even more difficult for women who deal with sexual abuse.

However, I think the question I posed remains relevant. Is what I’m doing making me more like God? Is what I’m doing with my body drawing me and those around me closer to God?” Married women sometimes ask this because their sex lives with their husband is non-existent, and others ask this because there is a suggestion or even a pressure to introduce toxic elements from the highly sexually charged culture (even porn) into the bedroom. Neither of these bring ourselves or others (our husband) closer to God. Great comment! I appreciate your perspective!

@ Obi, you're right--we shy away from this too often in our churches, and we're left to learn about it from secualr sources.

@ Sarah, Leah, and Jennifer--thanks to the references to these ministries--I'll check them out and pass along the word. Leah, I wonder why the issue of female sexuality was the weakest link. Possibly because so much emphasis on sexuality has gone to the dysfunction of men? Or that we perceive women don't have issues? What do you think?

@ Linda-love the comment about it's all about "Me". That is right on.

@ Angela, we do need more dialogue about this. What if in local churches we could separate the men and women and then bring everyone together?

One of the things I think is important is NOT to emphasize the "Just don't do it" message to teens and singles. It's important to acknowledge and affirm that we are all created with sexual desires. These are not wrong or bad in and of themseleves. On the contrary, I'd be pretty concerned if someone was asexual. Rather, it's important to talk about those sexual feelings with children and adolescents from a young age, at an age-appropriate level but in an open, honest, nonjudgemental manner.

Excellent blog article. I am a leader of a Catholic young adult women's ministry in the DC area and this is probably the biggest "elephant in the room." The women I work with are looking for love so much, that they often ask that question "how much is too much." In the group we tend to ask the question of how can I draw closer to God and my vocation through my relationships, both with the opposite sex, and through families, friendships and the like. One resource I've found useful is JPII's Theology of the Body. Its a bit dense and theological, but the late Pope's understanding of the role of love in our lives, and how sex between a married couple is just one expression of God's love for us is incredible. It is a long read, but the Pope really addresses so many aspects of love, our bodies, and how we relate to each other emotionally, physically and spiritually. I would also check out Pope Benedict's "Deus Caritas Est." Its a shorter paper (about 25 pages), and talks about how God is Love--and the many ways we as humans express this love.

Again, though, a very timely piece and very much needed in our world! :) Thanks for writing it!

Thanks for this insight and that of your readers in their comments. As a Pastor it has been one of my goals to create a more transparent and real culture within the church. Addressing sexuality from a biblical standpoint must begin with it as good and should be celebrated within marriage.

Changing the course of "church culture" is a long-term process, much like changing the course of a large ocean liner. I am finding that proper sexual discussion follows proper, frank and honest discussion across the board on a host of issues (Including clear and up front preaching from the pulpit - not merely relegating the subject to a class or Bible study). It's easy to try and define boundaries and then play a game of staying inside of them (no matter how close to the line you get) but as you mention - in doing so, we're asking the wrong questions of God.

This past summer I shared a several week series of messages on sexuality and some of the most memorable feedback came from teens and then seniors who were glad to hear the topic openly addressed in church. As you mention in your article, sex is talked about everywhere else in our culture - we're putting our heads in the ground to ignore it or relegate it to a sideline issue.

Sexuality is a beautiful creation of God and has powerful redemptive components within a marriage. Thanks for writing about it. For a man, it is great to read women's perspectives. It helps.

I was lucky enough to attend a Marriage conference where sex was one of the topics discussed. At first mention of the word, the entire arena went silent, then the speaker Kevin Lehman talked about how God invented sex and how much He wants us in a marriage to enjoy eachother!! It was fantastic.
People of a certin generation have grown up with huge hang ups about sex, thankly my parents (of that generation) took a different approach with us kids. We talked about sex as a family. My parents joked and flirted with eachother (they still do)in front of us kids and now in front of their grandkids. They will be married 50 years this year. Sex is a open dialogue in my house with our children. Any questions they ask we try and answer. I tell my kids that sex between a husband and wife is suppose to be mind blowing. I tell them God created it so spouses could become one and enjoy eachother. Sex in marriage is beautiful and pleasing to both.
I feel Youth Leaders need to talk about sex in marriage in a positive light, but they need to put the fear of God in kids when it comes to sex outside of marriage though. STDs are on the rise and causing havoc in marriages. HPV, Herpes and Genital warts can cause serious damage to babies. Did you know that STDs can lay dormant in your body for up to 10 years? My Youth Pastor never told me that.
This is why we should be talking about sex with our younger generation. Let them know what God intended sex for- not just baby making!!!- but for husbands and wifes to truly show their compassion and love for eachother. They need to understand how sex outside of marriage can hurt and even destroy the pleasure God intended. (pardon any spelling errors)

I recommend the book listed below; I have given it to all the young couples whose wedding I attended: "The act of Marriage".
With over 2.5 million copies sold since its release in 1976, The Act of Marriage has helped Christian couples around the world discover new joy and sexual fulfillment in marriage. This new edition expands on topics previously only touched on and includes updates on the latest findings in medicine and social science. It offers biblical principles, goals, guidelines, and charts to help couples enrich their physical relationship. Pastors, doctors, and psychologists have endorsed the LaHaye's practical insights.

Both menstruation and the release of semen are called unclean for obvious reasons.

Special offerings were prescribed, not because these were sin, but rather that the sacrifice of Jesus was foreshadowed for spiritual cleansing and restoration, even for the physical side effects, thru the anointings while being surrounded by His presence.

When I was young, I learned quickly that the greatest satisfaction derived from sexual interaction with my wife, was to see her deeply satisfied with multiple orgasms.

To me the sexual activity between two spouses is the physical counterpart of the deep spiritual encounters between a human spirit and the Holy Spirit, not as two separate or distinct acts but as intertwined experiences that releases both physical & spiritual energies, at times simultaneously; wow what a wonderful and divine way to enjoy God and each other.

So this is my little contribution in talking about sex in a godly manner.

Hoping this will help someone.

WEB.

Great Article, as a Pastor and Youth Group Home Life Skill Coordinator, I see the ills that society has placed in these young ladies mind that sex is ok and fine whenever and whomever. It saddens me, but I will inform you women of God, "study to show yourselves approved." Pray and fast asking God to sustain U and for directions in this matter of sex and other issues. There are 10 Commendments and one "thy shall not fornicate" that is what God meant. We need not be ashamed of our bodies and who God has made us. I think we are blessed to have been chosen to carry the seed that God would plant in our wombs. Yes, speak on sex - single women hold on to God's hand and ask him to hold you in perfect peace when the urge comes. Married women love your husbands sex is great daily if you can live up to it or chose. Learn to kuddle, hug and kiss on a daily basics let God hold you. Married couples are to enjoy a sex life with their husbands. Unmarried say "no" and hold true to God-as a believer you know that having sex is not of God before marriage. Too far is when you allow his tongue in your mouth after a kiss and hands began to move over the body - enticement leads to other breaking of the rules. We must learn to hug one another and kiss each other lightly on the lips after the engaement ring is on the finger. I ask you when you go out on a date what you do on that date -would you invite God in the presence? Now if you wouldn't then you know that you have gone to far. We have nothing to be ashamed of God created us. Peace Love U First

I wish you had a printer-friendly box, as does some other Christian sites (CT & Christian Post)---mostly my wife is computer-challenged & I like to print things off in compact form. As it is, I will not.

Not only do we need to talk about sexuality in the church, we need to start at an earlier age. I found that my sons refused to listen to anything i had to say on the topic when they turned 13 or so.

Just to add point which I dont belive is at all adressed here, single middleaged women who are widdowed, have learnt to enjoy sex etc...but then as they are left alone again they have no "role" in sex..in church...it is as they should shut up and forget thw whole thing...

I personally am in deep crises with this, cant speak about it with anyone, should be like angel about it, but my body has its needs which with i am living day in and day out.

I do love Jesus He is so wonderfull, but maybe I am just weak or something, but this is getting real danger to me to fall out from church alltogether..

When I once tried to talk about it to pastorcouple, they laughed at me embarrassedly and made fun of the issue that much that I stopped talking...

So is there any answeres for people like me?

This topic is one that should be brought up with children at the time of sex education. Their education should not simply be about avoiding pregnancy and STDs, but also about morals and appropriate behaviour. We need to teach them to value sex as a sacred part of a loving stable relationship, rather than a teenage hobby and a bit of fun.

Great discussion going on here! It's exciting to hear about so many different ministries and teachings that are being done on female sexuality! Thanks for writing about it. For a man, it is great to read women's perspectives.

People of a certin generation have grown up with huge hang ups about sex, thankly my parents (of that generation) took a different approach with us kids. We talked about sex as a family.When I was young, I learned quickly that the greatest satisfaction derived from sexual interaction with my wife, was to see her deeply satisfied.

I wonder why the issue of female sexuality was the weakest link. Possibly because so much emphasis on sexuality has gone to the dysfunction of men? Or that we perceive women don't have issues? What do you think?

How to Remove Penile Papules

Mike,

I think its from our past that we kind of block it out. Lets face it for the longest times men use to ignore women and simple care about ourselves. I think its easier for everyone to see a man with issues then it would be to see a females issues. Those are just two reasons but thats my two cents

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