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March 16, 2010

Leadership and Betrayal

by by Cynthia Weems

This month I took our four-year-old daughter for her annual checkup. She was scheduled to get two shots that day. I came prepared. My purse was stuffed with lollipops, magic tricks and a whole host of distractions.

The visit went well. At first. The doctor applauded her efforts to write her name and jump on one foot. She pronounced her a healthy, vibrant little girl. I was pleased.

Then came the nurse, quick on her feet. Before I could unwrap the lollipop that first shot was in her arm. A loud shriek resounded from every wall in that office. Then came the next shot. I wrapped my daughter in a hug and assured her it would be OK. But when our eyes met, I could see that “OK” was not what she was thinking. Refusing the lollipop (at first), she looked at me with eyes that said, “How could you?” It was the look of betrayal.

When pain is expected, it is hard enough. But when pain is unexpected, as in betrayal, it is worse. Even a strawberry lollipop cannot mend what has been torn.

Once, while serving a congregation with limited space for a growing ministry, I had the bright idea to swap furniture in one room to free up space for another. This would impact a couple of regular Sunday School classes, but it seemed perfect to me. I could think of a number of reasons why the class I was “taking from” would be better off for it. Another staff member and I made the changes to the rooms and we were quite pleased with ourselves when the project was over. Everything looked just as we had planned. I knew the classes would love it.

But when I arrived at church the following Sunday, I didn’t “feel the love.” There was that look again, betrayal. Change is more painful when it is unexpected.

I have learned as a parent and as a pastor that surprises are rarely fun for those being surprised, especially when the surprise does not involve a birthday cake and candles. My bright ideas do not feel so bright when I’ve acted without consultation.

Most of you reading this probably knew exactly where this train was headed the minute you began reading. Doesn’t every pastor know never to move furniture without the approval of a committee (or two)? It may seem silly to us, but not to those affected.

Many in our congregations are coming head-to-head with betrayal every day. They feel betrayed by an employer who lays them off after years of service. They feel betrayed by children who are hurting their families. They feel betrayed by a city that has not done enough to stop crime and reduce poverty. They feel betrayed by a church that doesn’t look, sound or feel like it used to. Most of these things are far beyond our control as pastors. But they are very much a part of the stories of our parishioners.

As leaders, it is important to examine the potential for our adding to this sense of betrayal before we act. Some pain is inevitable in our lives and in our organizations. How can we create systems that allow people to have a voice in the changes that affect them? “Voice” may not mean approval or permission. Just like a vaccination at four, some things are required of our churches in order to grow. “Voice” may simply be the conversation held in advance that warns something painful is on the way. Like the one I will to have at next year’s annual checkup.

When Jesus spoke of his impending death, he did not ask the disciples how they felt about it. He certainly didn’t take a vote. He did, however, share with them over and over again where his ministry was leading. He invited their constant participation as the journey to the cross advanced. They didn’t understand his words. Yet he continued to offer them metaphors, parables and stories. It was only after the stinging pain of death that his words became clear to them.

And, ultimately, the disciples did not experience Jesus’ death as betrayal but as a promise fulfilled.

Posted by Caryn Rivadeneira on March 16, 2010 9:21 AM

Comments

That was such a good word!!!! I am Senior Worship Leader in Grand Rapids, and I have seen first hand how what we think as leaders is needed turns into very painful situations for those whom we love and want to trust us. I wish I had read this 2 years ago. Thank you for reminding us to act with care, compassion, and integrity as we lead God's people.
Grace and Peace
Glenda Williams
Worship Leader,
Kentwood Community Church
Tabernable Community Church

Posted By: Glenda Williams | March 17, 2010 8:42 AM

Thanks for this. It's very appropriate for where we are just now with a small congregation that divided (deliberately and healthily) 18 months ago, but which has just re-merged as we are no longer able to cater to both groups on Sundays.

Sadly, the 'traditional' group never grew, while the 'contemporary/alternative' congregation has quadrupled to more than twice the size of the other. Coming back together has proven a real shock for the former because they imagined everything would still be suited to their preferred style.

Do they feel betrayed? Yes. Could we have been clearer? I'm not sure - it all happened unexpectedly but with the full backing of a leadership who belong more naturally to the 'traditional' group, but who also understand that if we don't go with the new (which is where the growth is), then the denomination will close the church.

It's painful stuff for leaders and 'betrayed' alike as we struggle with the knowledge that what we're doing is causing pain, but with the knowledge also that, like Jesus' disciples, some people just seem unable to accept the truth that they have been told over an extended period of time.

Hopefully those who feel betrayed at the moment will be around long enough to know the joy of a resurrected church, even if like all resurrected beings it will look somewhat different to what went into the grave.

Thanks again for a thought-provoking article, which will at the very least lead to some space for the voicing of pain where we are.

Posted By: Iain Stewart | March 18, 2010 7:41 AM

Betrayal is such an intense word, I'm wondering if our disappointments in this life are connected to our unspoken and unfair expectations? I might be chagrined that my Sunday School class chairs were re-arranged without my knowledge, but I certainly would not feel "betrayed" by my church's leaders if they did that.
To betray comes from the Latin 'tradere' which means traitor. To lead astray, seduce, to deliver someone over to the enemy, to fail or desert especially in time of need. As I look at the definition of betrayal, I cannot rectify or justify a lack of communication about rearranging church chairs, or giving our children necessary shots for their best health. I agree that "change" is sometimes painful and "unexpected change" is "unexpectedly painful" and I also agree that leaders need to be sensitive to communication and inclusivity when making decisions that affect the whole group. Some people just "need to be included" due to their obsession with loneliness or fear of rejection or past pain. But a healthy discussion, giving everyone a "voice" allows a clear picture of where everyone stands...hopefully. We can all relate to how someone "changes their mind" after they communicated one way, but then act or choose something different. Why did they do that? Were they 'traitors?' I don't think so. Betrayal is a word that needs to be used in a limited way. (Ex. I'm in a burning house and you say you love me, but you don't try to save me from the burning house. You are my spouse and made a covenant with me, but entered into an adulterous relationship, you are employed for one company, but sell privileged and classified information to the competing company.)
Here is the Bible verse I found very enlightening and helpful to me in understanding how quickly we will sever our relationships over such petty things as mysteriously moving chairs and styles of worship and color of church carpets. "Now Herod and Pilate became friends with one another that very day; for before they had been enemies with each other." - Luke 23:12 If two wicked men can become friends so quickly over their common goal to see Christ crucified, don't you think those who claim the Crucified One as their Lord and Savior would be able to "join together with one mind, heart and soul" for the purpose of advancing His Kingdom? We get offended so easily over trivial things, then claim we have been "betrayed." Often times, like Cynthia Weems writes, we see more clearly in hindsight that it was not betrayal from others, but our blindness and mistaken expectations that are the problem. Pray that our church leaders will be honored and respected. Pray that we will give our "opinion" but not with a capital 'O' and remember our voice is only one among many. Church leadership cannot possibly satisfy everyone's wishes or expectations. Pray, as Christ did in John 17 that His disciples will be "one in Him." May we unite together in obedience to the Truth and strengthen ourselves in prayer no matter where we move the chairs! "Erketai nux" (the night cometh) when we will no longer have opportunity to share the Gospel. Even the Apostle Paul called those who betrayed Christ "the enemies of the Cross." May we never betray Christ by failing to urgently seek the lost. May we preach about LOYALTY again, so Christians understand what the real cost and consequences are of betrayal. If those without Christ (Herod & Pilate) can become friends so quickly, maybe we need to search our own dark hearts and discover how far away we are from Christ's call "to lay down our lives for our friends." I'll confess and repent of being offended that my classroom chairs got moved...and remember these words I was told by a wise woman: "It is so easy to take up an offense, but much harder to lay it down. So it is much better to not take up an offense at all."

Posted By: sister in Christ | March 19, 2010 11:13 AM

Very interesting topic on leadership & betrayal. The comment posted by "a sister in Christ" was very thought provoking. If we're following Jesus, we'll not become easily offended...especially if we have His servant heart. Blessings to your contributors. cs

Posted By: Connie Silver | March 23, 2010 12:19 PM

Interesting article and comments. looking back over 40 years in Christian ministry and having had various roles, and working with different types and nationalities of people, change always proves difficult. sanctified common sense is needed and taking time to talk things over. Not just with those who will instantly applaud your brilliant idea; but with those immediately affected and taking care to listen to anyone who doesn't get the point!
Herod and Pilate didn't really become friends- they were just 'strange bedfellows'in their attitude to Christ. Believers long to work together but we need to value people in Christ

Posted By: Jim Murdoch | March 24, 2010 5:14 AM

This comes close to home--in fact, right through the door. I am a victim of betrayal by my employer--which was my church. No warning, no recognition of meaningful ministry. There is a recession--there are no jobs and I am a senior citizen. It has been devastating to faith (trust comes hard after betrayal). Of all the organizations in society, the church of Christ should be the last to betray.

Posted By: Caryl | March 25, 2010 8:39 PM

Thank you, Jim, for sending me deeper into God's Word in order to understand/discern the hearts and minds of those who claim to be our "friends" and/or, as you term it, "strange bedfellows." The Church has all kinds, doesn't it? Actually, the Bible uses the same word "phileo" for Herod and Pilate like the term used to describe Jesus being a "friend/philos" of publicans and sinners (Mt.11:19)& John the Baptist being the "friend/philos" of the Bridegroom(Jesus)--Jn. 3:29 & Jesus referring to His friend/philos, Lazarus(Jn. 11:11). After researching some more, I found it highly enlightening that Jesus reduced His request for Peter to "love/agape" Him to "love/phileo" Him in the act of forgiving Peter's denial of even knowing Jesus when the charcoal fire breakfast was served by Jesus to Peter and the disciples at the close of Christ's ministry on earth.(see Jn. 21:15-17) Jesus is the 'Kardiognostis' Knower of Hearts! And Hebrews 4:12 comes to mind as well-- "the Word (in flesh & print) is able to judge the thoughts and intentions of our hearts.
Pilate's motives were different than Herod's at the beginning of Jesus' trial. (See Jn 19:12 Pilate wanted to release Jesus!) But Herod's status as an 'enemy of Christ' was already established. Kind of explains why Jesus had "nothing to say" to Herod, but engaged conversation with Pilate. Between the crowd's pressure to betray Christ for Caesar's sake & Herod's deferring the power of decision to Pilate when Pilate had deferred to Herod, Pilate "sealed the deal" (politically speaking and literally) that moment when he decided to pronounce sentence upon Christ that their demand be granted. (Lk. 23:24) Pilate "chose sides" that day and betrayed Jesus, just like Judas did. This is such a perfect Biblical illustration of the old adage: "the enemy of my enemy is my friend." It further means that because two parties have a common enemy, one can use the other to advance their goals. Pilate chose 'career over Christ.' Isn't it interesting how Jesus "chose to disclose" His "traitor among friends" during an intimate meal in the Upper Room? For further reflection, the word Jesus used with Judas for 'friend' was different than the word used for the Herod/Pilate friendship. After receiving the 'kiss' of betrayal, Jesus called Judas "hetairos" (Strong's 2083) when He said, "Friend, do what you have come for." There was no "phileo" in this relationship any longer! May the "Knower of Hearts" continue to reveal to us who is both 'fraud' and 'friend' when it comes to loyalty to the Kingdom of God vs. kingdom of the enemy. I, too, like you, have 33 yrs. of experience in the church & various ministry and have "washed the feet" of both friend and foe within the church walls. May we long to be loyal to Christ in these evil days and "walk worthy of the Gospel" so we can 'agape' our enemies when they are no longer our friends. And seek forgiveness when we fail. And pray we survive the test when we are confronted with denial of Christ. ~ a sister in Christ (who would rather 'lop off ears' instead of wash feet!)

Posted By: a sister in Christ | March 26, 2010 12:25 PM

I think you are foolish to let your child get a shot that is full of mercury posion, monkey brains, and so on, and I do not blame her, because you should protect her from such evil, as well should a spiritual leader, be so full of the Word of God and the Holy Spirit that the enemy can only lie about them but have no real proof in any area, they should be full of Truth, integretiy, walk in love and abound in the fruits of the spirit. I would not do any harm to my child and if could redo, would have never left her in daycares, nor at the mercy of medical drug pushers. Like up "child shots the truth" and get shocked, as they cause autism and are just no good.

Posted By: jadean | March 26, 2010 5:53 PM

This is a very heated topic. People have opinions and everyone gets hurt. I've learned that's just a part of life and being a Christian. It's hard when I hear others say, "Well you should as a Christian look over the offense" or "If you're following Jesus, you won't be so easily offended". How can that "sister in Christ" say it isn't betrayal if someone feels they should have been told about the chairs moving? Is she in their mind? Is she that person? No! You don't know what people are thinking. You have to talk with them and let them express themselves and be willing to listen to their hurt and resolve it in a Christ-like way. That means sitting down, laying out your heart, and being willing to hear that person's hurt and then being humble enough and apologizing. To one person, they may have just felt hurt and gotten over it but to another....he/she might have felt betrayed. Who are we to say what they should be feeling? Betrayal can mean an adulterous affair or the removal of chairs. It can big or small. I've learned people need to talk it through whatever it is b/c to them the hurt or betrayal is real and when we acknowledge that then it becomes a huge issue. Being a Christian doesn't mean you don't feel those things or you shouldn't be offended....it means that we learn how to deal with them. It's so easy to be self-righteous and tell others, "you shouldn't be offended b/c you're a Christian". I've found those very people are the ones who have a difficult time being corrected on how they've offended others. As a leader, I've done a lot of hurting and receiving the hurt...but through it I've learned to listen, to apologize, and to work on the r/ship.... I've had to put my own pride down and ask what can I do to help you? How can I help mend this relationship???? That is hard.....

Posted By: Woman trying to do what's right | April 11, 2010 6:32 AM

As many have commented, we may not be offended if we follow Christ but we would surely remember & that would relfect in our decisions going further.

The question is not offence but accountability. The reason we are not mindful of others when deciding things is either because we are insecure & want to make a quick buck or we feel we are superior & do not need to report to anyone. Remember Jesus was accountable even on the cross & made sure Mary had a spiritual son to take care of her in her old age because Christ was the eldest & had a responsibility.

Posted By: Kapz | June 7, 2010 1:10 AM

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