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June 23, 2010

Disenchanted

by by Nicole Unice

Between sessions at a busy conference, I rushed through my email at a student kiosk. I clicked open an article and time stopped. Finger poised over the mouse, I read the headline about Jennifer Knapp, a million-record-selling, multiple-Dove-award-winning singer-songwriter: “Jennifer Knapp: resisting the label lesbian, but ‘in love with a beautiful woman.’”

I clicked through the article but honestly, I wasn’t that surprised. I’m a big fan of hers, the kind who’d googled Jennifer every few months when she disappeared from the music scene. I’d wondered what was going on in her life that made her make that drastic change. But what did surprise me was my constant thoughts about Jennifer over the next few weeks. What surprised me was my sadness and confusion and deep sense of loss.

I live my life through music, and Jennifer Knapp’s albums: Kansas and Lay It Down, represent a significant season of spiritual growth. As I spent more time thinking it through, I realized that Knapp’s music was more than just a soundtrack. Her honest lyrics were written better than my own words. Her haunting and powerful voice put me in a touch with a part of me that needed a song.

Whether she wanted to be or not, Jennifer Knapp was a spiritual leader for me.

So what do we do when leaders live lives or do things we disagree with? Although Jennifer would exert that she hasn’t “fallen” or even “changed,” that she’s just embraced what in her words is “wholly me,” I still find myself wrestling with truth and grace and everything in between.

I wanted to not care. I wanted to put that in a box and ignore it. But as a leader myself, I can’t. I can’t decide to not think about something. I can’t decide to ignore my heart.

So as I’ve read and reread her interviews, with Christianity Today and The Advocate. I’ve look for that same leader. I am confused when she claims to “not struggle within herself,” but I am comforted when she tells CT, “I have a lot of critically thinking fans who are trying to sort out their lives as Christians as best they know how.” I would hope Jennifer would understand that I’m not sure what to do with this, where to put it all, how to make it all work.

I spoke with ministry friends. As we shared our stories of spiritual leaders who turn a different way, the room took on a somber tone, as if we were standing around the punch bowl at a wake. The youth pastor in a long-standing affair. The passionate Bible teacher who’s now an outspoken atheist. The pastor with a smile on his face on a Sunday, struggling with debilitating, suicidal depression during the week. The author in rehab, again. Doubt. Sexual Orientation. Addiction. Brokenness. Sinfulness. Humanity.

Their faces revealed the truth that all leaders struggle with, the unmooring feeling when one you’ve emulated falls away, or falls apart. A friend of mine summed it up like this: “I think as leaders we’ve all got to sort through who we are really following. It’s easy to shape yourself into the image of the leader above you. But we are supposed to be shaped into the image of Christ.”

Jennifer’s announcement did two things for me: one, it reminded me that as a leader, I need to struggle through the hard realities of life, the confusing, and the unknown. And two, I need to be fearless in my search for truth, even if it leads me to unknown places.

Parker Palmer says these kinds of experiences cause us to admit “that ours is not the only standpoint, the only experience, the only way, and the truths we have built our lives on begin to feel fragile.” The temptation is there, to dismiss inconsistencies and hard realities. But as leaders, we are called to break open our hearts and invite the questions, the wrestling, and the Spirit’s work.

How does your heart negotiate when spiritual leaders ‘fall’?

Posted by Caryn Rivadeneira on June 23, 2010 12:50 PM

Comments

GREAT article.

Everyone knows someone who is a practicing homosexual who believes it's God's will; or a loved one who used to be a Christian, now is not, yet swears that they really used to be; a preacher afraid to tell that he voted democrat.

I hope that all of us in ministry truly wrestle with the hard questions. Because at the end of the day, humanity happens, and we need to have some idea of how to cope with it.

Posted By: Seth Muse | June 24, 2010 10:56 PM

Yes, we all have "spiritual leaders" here on earth that sometimes disappoint us and go in directions we do not believe would be in God's Will. I feel what we must remember and hold on to is Christ is our true Spiritual Leader, our "perfect" Spiritual Leader. Humans will fail us as we sometimes fail others as leaders becase we human beings are sinners - all of us. We sin on a daily basis and must ask God to help us see the truth of our sin, confess it repent of it and lay it at the feet of Jesus asking for forgiveness and being thankful we do receive His forgiveness. We also must ask Him to help us forgive others. The problem is when we do not acknowledge our sin and misuse Scripture to support us in our sin. We must read God's WORD seeking the truth - His Word never changes. He loves us all, He does not love our sin. We, as leaders are to do the same, love all people but not the sin in them. If we deny sin is sin, we are lying to ourselves and those around us and not teaching the truth.

Posted By: Sharon | June 25, 2010 11:05 AM

As a WM leader who is struggling with a lot of stress this year I am reminded in Ps 25 "Show me your ways, O LORD, teach me your paths...He guides the humble in what is right and teaches them his way." God is the one who is going to provide the answers when I am humble and willing to be taught. I have many hard questions this summer and I find myself trying to find answers in the world, but that only leads to more doubts. Jesus said "narrow is the way" and we have to make a choice to find that narrow way or we will go down the wide path away from him.

Posted By: Nancy | June 25, 2010 11:12 AM

Thanks for the comments. Seth--I agree wholeheartedly. If you aren't willing to wrestle with the hard questions, perhaps ministry isn't the best career choice--oops, we are ALL supposed to be in ministry, which means we should all be wrestling.
Living With Flair--great comment about embracing students in all places of the journey!

Posted By: Nicole Unice | June 25, 2010 6:44 PM

"a preacher afraid to tell that he voted democrat."
I sure hope that this was not an implication that one is out of the will of God if they vote democrat. I was a student at Liberty back when the Moral Majority was started (late 70-early 80s) and I found it very disturbing that they would paint God as a republican and that your salvation was suspect if you were not of the republican flock

Posted By: Billy | June 27, 2010 8:09 AM

I think you can connect with someone in a spiritual way, but that does not make them a spiritual leader. I think God wants us to take the Truth of someone's life, tested against God's Word, and use it to be challenged and grow. Knapp's honesty in her songs can be what connects her with her fans, and give you a sense of connection to her faith in God. God gives all His children gifts to use for Him, and she seemed to be using them in her music.
I like that you think her original music was honest, I remember thinking that when I listened to her music back in the day. Even she looks back and says it comes from an honest place, but from what I read in the CT article, she also seemed to think that her original music was less than genuine, somewhat manufactured because of what she assumed was a set of rules for Christian music, or the Christian faith in general. So was it a genuine faith that you connected with? Or a life that she thought she was supposed to be living? Of course now she says she's been set free by her admission. In trying to look at the Truth in her life tested against God's Word, seems to me she's been set free by feeling no more conviction in order to be able to live her life however she wants instead of dealing with sin.

Posted By: Megan | June 27, 2010 7:42 PM

This is such a touchy subject, but I think you've navigated it superbly.

We often forget that people struggling with (or even embracing) same-sex feelings are human beings. We'd rather be right than compassionate.

I think you wonderfully state that there is an ideal to look towards while recognizing that things "ain't perfect."

Well done, girl!

Justin

Posted By: Justin @ BeDeviant.com | June 27, 2010 8:32 PM

@Megan: I found that section of the CT article disheartening...where Jennifer talks about not being honest in her original songs. That's the part that was hard. But then later in the article, she seems to come around a bit. I don't know, and probably never will. I'm still processing, as I'm sure she is, and we all are. But I'm glad we have a forum to ask the questions and deal with the doubts.

Posted By: Nicole Unice | June 27, 2010 8:51 PM

God has used Jennifer Knapp's music to speak to me over the years and I was eagerly anticipating her return to Contemporary Christian Music. The news of her coming out was incredibly sad for me to hear. It is hard to separate the artist from the art, and I do not believe we can do that. I am still moved by her music, but I must listen with different ears. And I pray for her.

Posted By: Cornelia Seigneur | June 29, 2010 1:28 PM

When I see leaders living lives that are against the Word of God, I remind myself of the parable of the weeds on Matthew 13:

24Jesus told them another parable: "The kingdom of heaven is like a man who sowed good seed in his field.
25But while everyone was sleeping, his enemy came and sowed weeds among the wheat, and went away.

26When the wheat sprouted and formed heads, then the weeds also appeared. 27"The owner's servants came to him and said, 'Sir, didn't you sow good seed in your field? Where then did the weeds come from?' 28" 'An enemy did this,' he replied.
"The servants asked him, 'Do you want us to go and pull them up?'

29" 'No,' he answered, 'because while you are pulling the weeds, you may root up the wheat with them. 30Let both grow together until the harvest. At that time I will tell the harvesters: First collect the weeds and tie them in bundles to be burned; then gather the wheat and bring it into my barn.' "

Check also Jesus explanation on verses 36 - 40.

We tend to think that everyone who is a leader in church or even goes to church is saved. This is not the case and Jesus was very clear about that. And the statistics show that too:

70% of men who attend churches struggle with pornography, over 50% of couples went thru divorce, only a small percentage tithe and so on.

Check Ephesians 5:6: Let no one deceive you with empty words, for because of such things God's wrath comes on those who are disobedient.

I will finish with John 14: 23 and 24 Jesus replied, "If anyone loves me, he will obey my teaching... He who does not love me will not obey my teaching. These words you hear are not my own; they belong to the Father who sent me.

God bless you.

Posted By: Happy :) | July 2, 2010 11:31 AM

Thanks, Nicole. Hard stuff.

I am grateful that many times, in my own life and watching others, God demonstrates His willingness and ability to use very imperfect vessels. It's a good thing, or there would be no hope for us. And gratefully He keeps working on growing us into Christlikeness.

Posted By: Judy D | July 6, 2010 6:57 AM

am so sad about this story , although am not used to this name in question , i feel totally sad that the devil will go so far to confuse people. please don't let us cast the first stone but go to God in prayers for her healing and deliverance, that the eyes of her understanding maybe opened. let's all take serious heed, for the devil is prowling around seeking who to devour , let's continously ask for grace to resist the devil.

Posted By: tolulope | July 9, 2010 6:57 AM

The article and the comments are all thoughtful and well written. I did not however, see one comment about Scriptural attitude toward the sexual sins in our lives, and there are plenty of them. The tendency is to leap onto the homosexual subject and leave off the bisexual infractions. We do not need to question whether homosexuality is a sin or whether adultery is acceptable to God in any form. The plain and pure truth is that we as Christians do not practice self-evaluation for the purpose of pulling up the weeds in our own lives. We are not being a self-disciplined people as God expects us to be, using the Power He has given to us to exercise the will to self-denial and self-discipline. If God calls it sin, I must agree with Him and leave it off, whatever the 'it' may be. Our leadership will not then be so subject to disruption.

Posted By: Ramona | July 14, 2010 7:23 AM

I think you've done a great job covering this issue.
One thing I noticed is that Jennifer spoke so much about being an artist, about being "jealous" of Pink and Katie Perry out there doing what she loves. I think Jennifer's sin is a by product of something much greater which is her idolotry in fame and fortune. She was burnt out because she was in music for the wrong reasons. She is denying herself true love and truth and for that God has given her over to her own desires of the flesh. She admits to not being a theologian, but yet knows enough to justify her views of the "mysterious text" and never called the scriptures the Authoritive Word. She doesn't have to choose between her sexuality and her faith, but she does have to choose to act on the desires of her flesh or not.
The church is headed for a time of great crisis, and great purification. I pray for Jennifer's eyes to be opened to the Truth.

Posted By: lisa Pulsinelli-Vote | January 29, 2011 11:09 PM

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