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March 9, 2011

Too Famous?

What to do when your connections exceed your capacity.

 by Nicole Unice

Last week two high school girls skipped over to me and announced with smiles, "We want a small group, and we want you to lead it!" There's nothing I love more than being with faithful and available students who want to grow in their relationship with God. But something strange happened in my heart at that moment, something I've been wrestling with for several months. My heart said, turn them down.

It wasn't about those two girls; it was about a bigger problem: feeling too famous. When I say famous, I mean "known." When you stand in front of people for a living, when you lead in a church, when you write, you open yourself up to many potential relationships, and I'm bewildered at how to prioritize who and what gets my time.

The holy desire to work in ministry mixes with the intoxicating temptation to be needed. The combination of the two means I say yes more than I say no. That I squeeze in one more appointment, one more late night conversation, one more new relationship. But when I want to hide more than I want to connect, I know I've exceeded my limits and abilities, and that's dangerous ground.

Here's what I'm learning about managing my capacity:

Find your uniqueness
When I think about what to say yes to, I try to remember what it is that I'm uniquely qualified to do. For instance, my background is in counseling. If I have to choose between making time for a family crisis meeting or taking a high school student to coffee, I will choose the family crisis meeting. I have other volunteers who can make the coffee date, but I'm the only one uniquely qualified for the crisis meeting. When I remember what I can do that others can't, it's easier to figure out my choices.

Perspective
I am not good at making relational choices. I tend to err on the side of over-committing. I'm often too close to a situation to make a good choice. I need my husband and close friends walking alongside me, asking the good questions that help me take a few steps back and view the situation from another vantage point. With their help, I can establish parameters for my time and relationships.

Have boundaries, and break them
Good leaders have good boundaries. They guard Sabbath, they spend time with God. They make space for their families. But Jesus was in the habit of having boundaries—and breaking them. (See Matthew 14.) I recently had a day packed with time-sensitive tasks. My pastor called me into his office. "A student at a nearby high school died suddenly. They weren't regular attenders of our church, but I feel like we should offer to help with the student vigil tonight." He gave me the opportunity to stay behind and finish up my tasks, but I sensed I should go. I spent the next six hours buying candles and note cards, comforting students and being available as a minister of the good news of Christ. I missed dinner and I had to arrange for others to pick up my children, but it was the right choice.

Don’t wait for it to feel good
Back in the hallway last week with those two high school girls, I knew that "no" had to be my answer. I turned to a new volunteer standing close by. "Becky, come meet these girls!" I placed my new leader in front, and I stepped back. Becky is an incredible volunteer with the willingness and heart to shepherd these students. Knowing there's someone else who can mentor these girls, you'd think I'd feel good about this decision. But there's a layer of sadness. I felt like I disappointed them. I won't be their mentor; I won't walk with them through their spiritual journey. Nonetheless, I know I made the right choice, even though it's still hard. With decisions like these, I can't rely on feeling good to determine the best course of action.

These are small steps, and I stumble more than I succeed. What are your tips for leaders who feel too famous?

Nicole Unice, a contributing editor for Gifted for Leadership, has decided to accept her status as a wrestler with God. Between raising her kids and working in Family and Student Ministry at Hope Church in Richmond, VA, Nicole likes to write and teach on the intersection of God's word and modern life. Her first book, The Divine Pursuit: A Study of Jonah, released in Fall 2010. You can find her blogging at The Stubborn Servant.

Posted by Marian Liautaud on March 9, 2011 1:08 PM

Comments

Nicole, overcommitment threatens our leadership so consistently that it feels like a battle! Thank you for exposing your heart--and all of our hearts--on the matter. I've been noodling on how Jesus both had boundaries and broke them for several weeks now. Thanks for painting a picture of the tension of Spirit-led leadership. It's not always cut and dry, is it? More like messy, unpredictable, and totally worthwhile.

Posted By: Suzanne Burden | March 9, 2011 7:50 PM

Christian leaders shouldn't at all feel famous; instead they should exhibit the radiant glory of the Lord Jesus Christ. Tasks assigned ought to be done in humility for Him who sits in heaven. When you are asked to lead, do lead the flock with tender and care like how the Shepherd of our souls lead. If you feel too famous about yourself in ministry, then your selfish pride will overrule you. But if you do ministry to make Jesus famous, then you will reap bountifully both in character and blessing. Think about it. God Almighty knows.

Posted By: Jessie Lee | March 10, 2011 7:11 AM

This is exactly the article I needed today. Thank you so much!

Posted By: Marie | March 10, 2011 1:07 PM

Jessie Lee, I appreciate your thoughts. I think what resonates with me is the idea of self-glorification versus a desire to bring glory to God, to point away from yourself and toward HIm. But what I meant to provoke in this question is our own humanity--how much can one person do, and at what point do we make sure we are "multiplying" ourselves out into other leaders? That's the question I'd love to know more about. How do you, as a leader, find that way of saying yes and no to people.

Posted By: Nicole | March 10, 2011 6:54 PM

For a long time, I don't think I even realized that I could say no. And I also struggle with getting people to respect my "no."

At the same time, there have been times in my life when I have been surprised by how God has used me...and for those times I am incredibly grateful.

I also wrestle with feeling frustrated--with myself and others--for the times I have failed those around me because I allowed myself to be stretched way too thin.

Posted By: Marie | March 10, 2011 9:06 PM

DUPLICATE For a long time, I don't think I even realized that I could say no. And I also struggle with getting people to respect my "no."

At the same time, there have been times in my life when I have been surprised by how God has used me...and for those times I am incredibly grateful.

I also wrestle with feeling frustrated--with myself and others--for the times I have failed those around me because I allowed myself to be stretched way too thin.

Posted By: Marie | March 10, 2011 9:07 PM

I realized recently that sometimes I think about my life in terms of all the ways I can help others grow. I forget about my own environment for growth. I have to say "no" sometimes because I need to be the one cared for and not the one doing all the caring. www.livewithflair.blogspot.com

Posted By: LivewithFlair | March 11, 2011 9:17 AM

I have been wrestling with this as well! For me, it comes in an overseas context where it's really easy to feel like "If I don't tell them, who will?" And then there are the pulls from the ex-pat community and opportunities to pour into the lives of MKs and short-term visitors... Oye!

Two things that have really helped me have been, like you mentioned, the Sabbath. If I can't do it all in six days, then I don't do it all.
The second thing was something you mentioned in-directly in your story... going where the Holy Spirit is working and leading you to be involved too. When I feel over-busy or too stressed, its usually as a result of throwing my time away on something He isn't blessing and guiding. He also knows the motives of those asking to take a piece of my time (which, honestly, here is often 'She's a foreigner!') and guides me to those genuinely interested in spiritual topics.

Posted By: Sarah | March 11, 2011 9:26 AM

Wow, Sarah, those comments are so insightful! Thanks for engaging this question and honestly, helping me think through some things! I agree, it's about motives and the Holy Spirit leading...which of course takes alot of Sabbath time in order to be abiding in his presence.

Posted By: Nicole Unice | March 11, 2011 1:38 PM

It is good that you know your downfalls. It's also good that you have your pulse on the members of the church well enough that your "no" was coupled with presenting the task to a capable volunteer. Thanks for mentioning that Jesus both set and broke boundaries. I have a Christian friend that has told me when she has gone out on a limb beyond boundaries that Jesus had no boundaries. I think it is important to see that he did and was judicious in the choice to break them. Thanks for sharing this!

Posted By: Catherine | March 11, 2011 1:44 PM

I have struggled with saying 'no' often and it wasn't until I wrestled with God on the 'guilt' that accompanied my no's that I finally found release. In prayer it seemed that God simply said to me: "Cheryl, if you say 'yes' to something that I am leading you to say 'no' to, you are robbing another of my girls the chance to say 'yes." I finally realized that I am a more impulsive personality and that it takes very little pressure for me to 'jump on the band wagon' of the next great idea or area of service. Therefore my discipline is in finding solitude to determine what is the 'right' thing for me. What I need to remember is that sometimes God needs more time and little more pressure to encourage someone else to step out into a 'new' thing. I constantly remind myself: "Say 'no' so someone else has the opportunity to say 'yes!"

Posted By: Cheryl Meakins | March 11, 2011 2:27 PM

One of our associate pastors has a saying, "Is it important that the gospel be preached or is it more important that I preach it." The former has to be the more important factor. We do have limitations. Sometimes we can over spiritualise things. There are some things that are spiritual and some things that are natural. We should not mix the two. It is a natural inclination that people, not understanding the true servanthood position of leaders and pastor, will sometimes glorify them; It is a reality. It is a fine balance for the leader to gracefully step back when they sense this is taking place because we don't want to do damage to our brothers and sisters who have not grown to understand this. Not only that we get tired! We say, "I can do all things in Christ that strengthen me."..but Christ never assigned any one person to do all thing! That is why we are a body. It is a family thing. There are no loose cannons in the body of Christ. Many hands make light the work. We have to listen to that inward witness, know our limitations, and have the courage to say no. Something can be a good idea, but that doesn't make it a God idea.

Posted By: Pastor B. | March 11, 2011 10:54 PM

Interesting and challenging. I personally believe the more sharing there is of leadership and responsibilities, the less there is "posturing" and "fame". This applies equally to men and women. Many many lay leaders have so much to contribute and do and lead if the leadership will let them.

Posted By: trisha | March 13, 2011 11:52 PM

I believe the first step to becoming a Person of Excellence is discovering your Purpose in Life, – Somethig greater than eating, drinking, fun and a job.www.oscarnomvete.co

Posted By: oscar | March 17, 2011 7:34 PM

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