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May 4, 2011

Leading in the Midst of Woundedness

God sometimes builds our platform—and our purpose—from our pain.

 by Suzanne Burden

I am not sure the North American church in general does the right thing on Mother’s Day or Father’s Day. Then again, I don’t always attend church on these feel-good holidays because frankly, they don’t make me feel so good.

As a 38-year-old woman who married in her mid-30s, my biological clock ticks on and my womb and arms remain empty, at least for now. I focus on seminary, and ministry, and family, and friends, and work, but I haven’t given up hope on the fertility front. I am in that awkward in-between place, where I get asked if I want kids while women everywhere suddenly seem to sprout baby bumps.

Ironically, I will preach my first church sermon this year on the day we celebrate moms. Not only will I enter the church doors, but I will be the Mother’s Day sermon-giver, the one who helps celebrate the amazing women who give us life. In my personal journey, this is a turning point that can only be accomplished through the God of all comfort, who indeed comforts me in all my troubles (2 Corinthians 1:3). I will be leading from an area of open woundedness. At some point in your leadership story—no matter what it might look like—you will, too.

My heart-wrenching questions have driven me to God’s Word for answers about a woman’s identity—and my brokenness has led to some transforming discoveries. Our heavenly Father does not glorify marriage and motherhood as the primary goal of every woman. These are noble pursuits, yes, but they don’t define us in God’s eyes. Instead, each woman is his image-bearer representative in this world (Genesis 1-2); she is appointed as an ezer—the Hebrew word used for Eve that means strong helper, warrior, and rescuer (Genesis 2:18); and finally, she is set free to love God with all her heart and to obey him, no matter what her station in life. How amazing to think my empty arms give me an opportunity to encourage infertile women, singles, empty nesters, and every woman who feels sidelined somehow. Yes, even mothers! These truths make me smile despite the tears and recast my years of infertility in an entirely different light.

Second Corinthians 1:4 says we will comfort those in “any trouble” with the comfort we have already received in “all our troubles,” This tells me two things about the wounded leader. First, God’s comfort extends to her, no matter her struggle—grief, infertility, loneliness, health, battling addiction, you name it—nothing is beyond God’s reach and restoration. And second, it doesn’t matter what your trouble is, it’s transferable—it exists so you can comfort others in all sorts of trouble. Understanding these truths, I’ve been asking God exactly how he wants to use my pain as a platform that allows his comfort to overflow.

Remember whose you are

To get there, I’ve been focusing on whose I am—my identity—and how God wants to redeem my struggle for a greater purpose.

God created me, he bought me with a price, and he prepared good works in advance for me to do (Psalm 139:13; 1 Corinthians 6:20; Ephesians 2:10). We are God’s image-bearers in this broken world, giving us a reason to lead. As we do, we cling to the hope that every struggle that tears our hearts in two can, and will be, gloriously redeemed by a good God. If we forget who—and whose—we are while suffering, our leadership morphs into a struggle to make things happen. If we remember our identity, God equips us for every good work.

Share your burdens

It is difficult for me to listen to a leader whose heart has not been formed in the fires of life. Second Corinthians 1 goes on to say that no Jesus-follower suffers, or is comforted, alone. By sharing his burdens, Paul allows the Corinthians to participate in his sufferings and his victories. Those we lead are even being equipped to endure future suffering in their own lives. Might we be short-circuiting this process when we are less than honest as leaders about our heart’s struggles?

As I watch my heavenly Father bring purpose through this pain, I am beginning to believe our sources of greatest struggle can become our points of greatest ministry. When that happens, I am thrilled to give credit where credit is due: “This message—and ministry—made possible by the God of all comfort.”

What results have come when you have been honest about your struggles while leading?

Suzanne Burden writes marketing and content for Christian publishers and nonprofits (suzanneburden.com) while attending seminary. She lives in Indiana with her husband, David, and blogs about her seminary journey at onewomaninseminary.blogspot.com.



Posted by Ashley Moore on May 4, 2011 3:09 PM

Related Tags: Burdens, Church Health, Hope, Infertility, Leadership, Mothers, Pain

Comments

Wow. Thanks for this. I am enduring THE SAME STRUGGLE in the face of new ministry opportunities at my church. Well meaning people have told me to "go on singles retreats" to find a man. Something about that just doesn't set right with me for some reason, lol. God is faithful and I struggle with my current status at times. But God is still God.

Posted By: missional girl | May 4, 2011 5:53 PM

@missional girl: Hang in there, sister! During many of my single years, I also felt like an outsider...the message that we are image-bearing ezers (see Genesis 2:18) of the living God sets us free in so many ways. God has a plan for all his daughters--to love the Lord their God with all their heart, soul, mind, and strength. All of us can do that! No "qualifiers" necessary. Thanks so much for commenting!

Posted By: Suzanne Burden | May 5, 2011 7:54 AM

Continue to trust God and be encouraged by scriptures like Isaiah 54:1-17. I am a 37 year old minister and mother of 4 children who has suffered 4 miscarriages in a 11 year period. I am in a christian marriage that is very toxic. Inspite of the blessing of children.

Be encouraged and know God has not forgotten you.


Posted By: Denise | May 5, 2011 9:43 PM

thanks suzanne for sharing this. it is such an encouragement for me..i had been married for 5 years but until now we dont have any children. I had an ectopic pregnancy in 2008 where i almost died due to internal bleeding.it was a painful experience for me and my husband.but then during those darkest times the Lord's presence and grace was there to help us through it. before, everytime people ask me if im pregnant i am embarassed to say im not, then there are some well-meaning people who would give unsolicited advise on how to get pregnant and to see this and that doctor. it's too stressful. they always tell me that a woman's life is more meaningful if you have children. but then i am reminded that life is not about us, it is about the Lord Jesus, who completes us, perfects us and im confident that in His perfect time He would make all things beautiful. Yes, as my favorite phrase in the Bible says..."And it came to pass..."...Our identity and worth is rooted not in who and what we are but in our LORD JESUS.

Posted By: jessyca | May 6, 2011 11:51 AM

This is wonderful. Interestingly, I'm preaching on Sunday too. My sermon is titled "Sing O Barren One" (Is. 45) about what the barren women in the Bible have to teach us. Blessings to you.

Posted By: Amy | May 6, 2011 9:01 PM

sorry, that's Is. 54 :)

Posted By: amy | May 6, 2011 10:52 PM

@Jessica - Yes! Our lives are not just made up of our individual stories. There is a much bigger story being written by a victorious God. @Amy - You are brave indeed. Will your sermon be recorded? Would love to hear it.

Posted By: Suzanne Burden | May 7, 2011 8:32 AM

It will be. www.manhattanchurch.org
It's been an awesome topic to research. Such rich spiritual wisdom to be gleaned from the barren women in the Bible as well as the modern experience of infertility. I've found some interesting resources. For instance, I don't know if you've seen this article, but if not you should definitely read it: http://www.christianitytoday.com/ct/2007/december/21.22.html
Email me if you'd like more. amy@manhattanchurch.org

Posted By: Amy | May 7, 2011 8:40 AM

When I was a Mentor Mom for MOPS, I often shared the struggles I had in raising my three children. It made made me feel like I was bleeding all over the place. With my heart on my sleeve I shared my mistakes and my triumphs. But soon I noticed that the moms' defenses came down and they began to open up their hearts about their struggles without shame or fear of ridicule. They didn't feel alone. In the sharing many were encouraged in their full time ministry as mothers.

Posted By: Diane Froeber | May 9, 2011 9:19 AM

Thank you for sharing. Perhaps the most beneficial thing I've seen come from openness about struggles is relationship. If I am willing as a small group leader, or in the past, small group coach, to say I am wounded, struggling, disappointed or tempted in a particular area, people come to me and ask questions about how I have dealt with it. Ultimately, I end up confessing God's faithfulness and goodness, and the joy and strength I have in Him, despite a circumstance. And that ends up helping the women who pose the questions. Additionally, it opens the door to idea sharing, comfort, prayer partnering and women giving and receiving permission to be themselves around one another.

Posted By: Helene Bergren | May 9, 2011 9:46 AM

I am a simply single mid-thirties gal in a church of primarily married couples, or divorced with kids everywhere! While I do struggle with the "fitting in" on a daily basis, I know my sister appreciates the extra helping hands that I can give when her own responsibilities of three kids, husband on leave, etc gets to be on overload. I may not be a "wife of Proverbs 31", yet, but the smiles on my niece and nephews confirms my value when I can give their mom a much needed break!

Posted By: Tina | May 10, 2011 8:10 AM

Christianity is about wounds, hardly would you come across a believer without any type of wound. My loving wife left me and 5 kids to be with the Lord more than 5 years ago and am yet to have another woman...it has been very difficult for me.....this vacum has led me into sin agaist my wish...God has mercy on me in Jesus' name...pls pray for me.

Posted By: David | May 10, 2011 6:40 PM

Suzanne,
Thank you for sharing your heart. I know many women in your congregation were blessed by your sermon. I have 2 grown children but lost 2 through miscarriage, back in a time where there were no support groups for such a loss. People made comments that denied my babies their personhood and it hurt teribly heaped on top of the terrible hurt of an empty womb.

God used my pain years later to minister in the hospital to couples who had "fetal demises" as the loss of a preborn baby is known as in healthcare.

As a pastor, my Mother's Day sermons always recognized the silent mothers-women who had lost children through miscarriage stillbirth or abortion.

I often shake my head when I hear those who believe in strictly traditional roles for women holding up the Proverbs 31 woman as the model. Have they actually read it, I wonder. This woman was definately not a stay-at-home mom, she was a business woman and more. Wow, if I tried to do everything she did, it would be exhausting. She also seems not to need any sleep. No wonder so many women in traditional churches feel like failures when measured up against her.

They seem to miss that this woman was wealthy and had servants to do all the housework. Gosh I sure could get a lot done with servants too. Did a historical study of this type of woman, and learned that such women of means didn't even raise their own children. They had wet-nurses and nannies. Managing the home was overseeing and assigning tasks to the servants. And even though the Proverbs 31 woman wasn't a stay at home mom, her children still rose up and called her blessed.

May God continue to bless your ministry and marriage. If it turns out you are unable to have children, it doesn't mean that you are any less of a woman of God. Your primary role as you so rightly point out is that of God's image bearer, ezer. If God has destined you to become a mother, it may or may not be through your own womb that He brings it to pass. Thank you for your faithfulness to our Lord.

Posted By: Rev. Carlene Appel | May 10, 2011 6:54 PM

@Tina - I have a friend who posted on facebook: "I am barren, but not empty. Single, but not unloved." Your nieces and nephews are blessed by your affection and your time. And of course, God thinks the world of you!

@David - Thank you for sharing here, brother. The burdens you carry are great, for sure. But no matter the struggle with sin...there is help and hope. I encourage you to find a safe Christian friend or a Christian counselor to help you on your road to healing. I am praying for you--for comfort and victory!

@Rev. Carlene - You brought up something I've feared: we've made our "blueprint" the Proverbs 31 woman, rather than the knowledge that we are God's image-bearing ezers. We've ripped Prov. 31 out of its context in the process and used it as "stay-at-home" model for women, when only 51% of women today are married at a given time and fewer than that have children at home. All of that AND the fact that as you've mentioned, she really wasn't a "stay-at-home" type. Thank you for encouraging me to think further on this. May God bless you in your ministry!

Posted By: Suzanne Burden | May 10, 2011 8:07 PM

The audio to the sermon described in this article is now available on my blog: http://onewomaninseminary.blogspot.com/2011/05/why-women-matter-to-god-sermon-audio-by.html

Would love to hear your comments on it.

Posted By: Suzanne Burden | May 12, 2011 2:27 PM

Excuse me, if it's too off-topic.. I am mourning for freedom I had before children were born. One one hand I have joy I was able to get them at age 36 just before any medical help was tried, they are healty and the twin pregnacy lasted 37+ weeks without considerable problems. But at times it turns me almost crazy that I cannot focus on anything else than kids and homework normaly any more. And going out is such a big work now. I have been longing to do some spiritual ministry but being 10 years in alternative groups that most people (and myself now) find too extreme, I haven't found my service area and church home, i.e satisfying Christian friendships. And now I don't have enough time and energy to look for these what I consider the most important in life. When i try to think about the Bible, i often get impatient and easily angered because the kids need my attention :(

Posted By: a mom | May 13, 2011 11:40 AM

@amom - No, of course it's not too off topic. Your experience is bittersweet, for sure. I have asked more than one friend--how do you still use your creativity, maintain who you are--in the middle of mothering? I'm not sure there is an easy answer. Except to cry out to God for comfort and for insights, and to know that He sees you! (I love how Hagar cries out in the wilderness, you are the God who sees me!) No matter what our wound or trial, he has not forgotten us and notices each act of love done in his name. Thanks for sharing here.

Posted By: Suzanne Burden | May 13, 2011 12:02 PM

We've ripped Prov. 31 out of its context in the process and used it as "stay-at-home" model for women, when only 51% of women today are married at a given time and fewer than that have children at home. All of that AND the fact that as you've mentioned, she really wasn't a "stay-at-home" type. Thank you for encouraging me to think further on this. May God bless you in your ministry!

Posted By: ugiyg | June 7, 2011 5:29 AM

Thank you for your words and encouragement of serving in the midst of woundedness. I'm an administrator of a church and a single woman pursuing ordination. Plenty of people have given me "when I was . . . " and "In His time. . . ", which - while I understand what they are saying - is painful, especially as I live with a friend and her family who I serve with in the church and am often asked by my own family why I'm not dating (followed by recommendations for dating services, etc.). I throw myself into making home life smooth and peaceful for my friend and her family, including doing/helping with laundry, dishes, and helping with caring for her two children. While they bring joy to my life and I love finally using the domestic skills my mother swore I needed, it is also painful at times and I sometimes cry as I fold towels, cook, etc. as I ask God when it will be my time, my home, and my family.

God's words are calm and assuring in His love and care for me. He often says "Am I not enough for you? You are enough and exactly as I have for you right now. Be with me." Remembering whose I am enables me to pour into the lives of those in my church and life, especially harried mothers of young children, without jealousy, bitterness, and anger.

Thank you for encouraging and sharing your story. Reminds me I'm not alone in this journey . . .

Posted By: Carrie | June 11, 2011 12:33 PM

Thank you for sharing sis. I thank the Lord for the others sharing their experiences as well. BY doing so, we are blessing and encouraging each other. I longed for children, and though married for some years, never was pregnant. I have had other minister friends pray for me, besides myself believing God for myself, but God knows I desire His will, and not getting any children, is not a worry any longer. I am satisfied knowing I am in God's will and doing His will, in ministry to others, and preaching His Word, and living the life before God and others. I also know what it is to minister in counselling others, while in pain myself, but I was happy as God gave the grace needed. Thanks again, and God bless you and all who responded to your sharing.

Posted By: Abigail | July 24, 2011 7:37 PM

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