Gifted for Leadership: I Was a Reverse Discriminator

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June 29, 2011

I Was a Reverse Discriminator

My gender-based policy revealed my spirit of fear

by Nicole Unice

It would take a lot for me to change my mind about allowing men to be alone with my children.

Seven years counseling women recovering from all kinds of horrors experienced at the hands of men, a season that coincided with my first seven years of motherhood, instilled in me a firm belief that men should not be caregivers for kids. At least not for mine.

Yet this month, for the first time ever, I hired a male babysitter.

In years past, not leaving my children with a man seemed like a no-brainer: Most sex abusers are men, so I figured if I never left my kids alone with one, then the odds of victimization would go down. Easy enough.

But in this new season of ministry I'm in, my fears, which I previously called "common sense," have been challenged by the warm, fun-loving way so many of the young men in my church community care for my children.

One of these men recently returned from a trip to Africa. When we went to visit a couple who had had a baby, my friend seemed reluctant to hold the child, even though I knew he had extensive experience with kids. Later he told me, "I have never held a white baby. White women don't like men to hold their babies. In Africa, I had kids all over me all the time. It's different here."

What he said was distressingly true. And I was one of those women he referred to.

I've started to ease up on my "no males" policy, but the transition has been difficult. Old fears surface unbidden. Yet as I slowly let the young men in our church into my life and watch them interact with my kids, my policy seems unnecessarily rigid. I am raising two boys who need responsible role models in their life. How can I not want to foster healthy male relationships like this? And why would I cheat these men, whom I had observed closely for several months, of the opportunity to grow as future fathers, just as my many years of babysitting helped prepare me to be a mother?

My gender bias became even more distressing as I started to draw parallels between it and the way many churches make decisions about how and where women can serve. Every woman in ministry knows how unfair it feels to miss out on an opportunity simply because of our sex. And yet by not allowing the men in my church to play a role in mentoring my kids, I was imposing similar unfair limits on their service merely because of their gender.

There are some rules that make sense to me for all children, like background checks, two adults in every room, and diapering guidelines that protect little ones from abuse. But when it comes down to making sweeping decisions based solely on gender, I'm starting to see that what I had viewed as common sense decisions were really fear-based rather than Spirit-led.

Are you a reverse discriminator? Does your church or ministry make policies based on gender?

Nicole Unice has decided to accept her status as a wrestler with God. Between raising her kids and working in Family and Student Ministry at Hope Church in Richmond, VA, Nicole likes to write and teach on the intersection of God's word and modern life. Her first book, The Divine Pursuit, A Study of Jonah, released in Fall 2010. You can find her blogging at The Stubborn Servant.

Related Tags: Decision making, Fear, gender, gender roles

Comments

Nicole, I always appreciate your honesty and brutal transparency. I too am a "reverse discriminator" - having experienced discrimination and harassment from South Asian men (I currently live in South Asia) I find myself easily lumping them all together, unwilling to trust even those I have found to be honorable. It's easy to make the same comments about them that I sometimes hear from them on the street. It's a constant battle for me to remember that I am not free to lump the world together by gender or race... only by those saved by grace and by those who need to know that they can be. Sometimes I am successful (http://whispersonthejourney.wordpress.com/2011/03/06/suspicion-doesnt-suit-you/) but more often I need encouragement from those around me battling the same prejudices.Thanks for being that voice this morning!

I am so guilty! Thanks for this honest post. I have certainly had the same reservations with my daughter, yet you present a wise approach to carefully observe and make an informative decision based on the individual in opposed to grouping all men together just because of "common sense."

As a single man who is an ordained pastor, and have served the church my whole adult life, thank you for this reality check. Calling things fear based decisions that are fear based decisions is honest, healthy, and makes me feel valued as a human being. Naturally, when I have sensed that a mother views me as a potential rapist rather than as a human being who loves God and the church this has been hurtful in the past. Your article made me feel hopeful that we can call things what they are--and treat people fairly.

My cousin's church would not even let a man be a Sunday School teacher until recently...they simply feared men with children (despite background checks etc)....They too, have called their decision fear based rather than Spirit led and have taken positive steps towards healthy interactions.

thank you for this very, very loving and helpful article. I was blessed. -Rev. Mark Almlie

Mark, thanks for your response. I have often wondered if it's difficult to be a single male pastor. I would venture to guess that there's as much discrimination against that in evangelical churches as the traditional "woman leader" challenge. Thank you for being willing to share your side of the story. I hope that we might be able to return to our true desire--to share the gospel--and not get caught up in too much fear-based policy making.

Wow. Just...wow. I'll be perfectly honest: my mind and heart started getting pretty upset over this, until I remembered (a) my journey hasn't been everyone's, and (b) as a victim of reverse discrimination I really have no right to exercise reverse reverse discrimination in this.

Because my background is working in higher education, the idea of a genre bias in anything is almost alone to me. And yet, the day I quit my job to become a stay at home dad, I found myself on the receiving end of so many questions, snide comments, and judgments not only from close trusted friends - the majority of whom were female and questioned if I was capable of being a caregiver - to perfect strangers, in the mall for example, who raised questions and looked at me strangely because I was out with my kid, interacting with him in a playground, and not seeming like I was uncomfortable interacting with their kids if and when they came near me.

As someone who has volunteered in children's, youth, college and singles ministries, both with without a background check done on me, I can see you perspective and point of view on this matter, and I thank you for your honesty. As someone who does their best to neither consciously or subconsciously discriminate against anyone based on their sex, age, ethnicity, orientation or socioeconomic status, I always find it unsettling when I am judged, and it serves as a subtle reminder to me to do my best to live a life - both as a believer and as a person - that shows such judgments may one day never be necessary.

Sonny, thanks for your thoughts. Stay-at-home dads certainly would have a lot to say about gender bias! Just as women who lead deal with a whole current of thoughts and feelings about their place at the table, we women must also be willing to open our minds to allowing honorable men to serve alongside of us in children's ministry--because it's better for everyone! Thanks for responding and please know that I have very much "come around" to the concept of how many men are out there who truly love and serve children well. :)

There is no such thing as "reverse discrimination". It is simply "discrimination". It is, however, pleasing to see a woman admit to the obvious: bigotry is everywhere, and bigotry is often excused as "common sense".

I am sorry, but I have to disagree with you here. I don't know how old you are, but take it from someone with over 30 years of ministry experience, your instincts are correct. I have known several cases of male babysitters molesting female children, which came to light years later, and when the the perpetrators were apparently good, god honoring, well known to me, and previously proven as trustworthy in other arenas. It isn't bigotry, it really is common sense.

It is utterly understandable for a woman who has experienced abuse at the hands of men to engage in what the author calls "reverse discrimination." When a minimum of 1 in 4 women has been sexually abused (those are only the reported numbers), it is a legitimate fear. I understand the outrage of men at this, but I beg that they would view it through a lense of compassion rather than anger.

When abuse is prevalent, women learn to fear. And for good reason. This is not merely a case of bigotry. It's a case of societally ingrained caution. Do we not tell our girls to be wary of strange men? Do we not instill in them a certain amount of healthy, and sometimes unhealthy, suspicion of men? How, then, can we blame adult women for responding in this way? In particular, survivors of abuse have an incredible emotional, gut reaction that it may not be possible to overcome.

OF COURSE, the vast majority of men in our churches are not pedofiles! But the few who are can put a mother (and father!) on high alert. There is nothing NOTHING that parents fear more than someone hurting their children. Strict and thorough security checks for everyone who works with minors would probably go a long way in easing the minds of parents who are trusting others with the most precious and vulnerable people in their lives.

Let's give them a measure of grace in this ("reverse discrimination") area while still challenging them to recognize that men make excellent caregivers.

Fascinating post. Because of course we want to protect our kids, and of course statistics tell us that most abusers are men, and of course we know that most of these men appear perfectly "normal" to everyone else. Hence the importance of common sense mesures like open door, 2 adults etc etc.

But most men are not abusers, and most kids LOVE being looked after by a man. (I'm guessing its the novelty factor.) When we were first married my husband was on the church nursery rota and both he and the kids loved it and I'm currently hounding our churçh's men to sign up for the nursery rota. I'd put the reluctance I'm meeting down to attitudes seeing it as 'women's work' and 'not important enough for men' but now I wonder if that is the only factor... Worth pondering... (And it is of course a sad fact that some women also abuse children.)

thankyou for raising a though-provoking issue.

Good article. My wife and I have raised four daughters and cared for 64 foster children, all but five were new borns. It takes team work.
From a broader perspective, some would say narrower, my I recommend the book "Men and Women - Equal Yet Different" by Alexander Strauch

Thanks for your excellent comments. @Robyn I am extremely sympathetic to the fact that so many women have been abused and of course have a suspicion of men. It is understandable that you are wary, and I'm all for strict background checks and the highest of cautions, especially in a situation like a nursery.
@Alison, @Ed, thanks too for pointing out that men, in fact, do raise children! Appreciate how you all have engaged in this issue as I have.

Like Jim, I would challenge you to reconsider your original fears. There are legitimate fears and silly fears. Yours was legit. Like fearing a cliff while standing near it. It is healthy.
The whole "reverse discrimination" thing is what is silly. We need to deal with reality and, there is not really any good reason to leave our children alone with men in babysitting or overnight situations. I think we need to discriminate. Discrimination is not always bad. When I take the freeway to be sure I get to a destination, even if it takes longer, I am discriminating. As a man, I would totally understand if someone chose a woman over me to baby sit. Not that there would be any reason to fear, but the parents don't know that. I wish we lived in a different world but we don't.
By the way, did you know this stat? The vast majority of children abused in that way were by boyfriends or stepfathers and not natural fathers. Interesting related note. thanks and God bless.

May I simply just say what a comfort to discover someone who actually knows what they're discussing on the net. You certainly know how to bring an issue to light and make it important. More and more people need to check this out and understand this side of the story. I was surprised that you aren't more popular since you
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